NVE and the NKBA Commish

With the stinging memory of his ignominious exit last week, NVE headed off to NKBA fully determined to stay cramp-free the entire night.  After arriving 10 minutes early to do some cursory stretching and get some pre-game airballs out of the way, the door opened and in walked the NKBA commissioner, eeriely reminiscent of this (in a 48 year old 5'5" Asian sort of way):

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3146/2593639839_19f7af104a.jpg

NVE: Hi

Commish: Oh, I didn't know you were coming

NVE: Ken said it was okay to come, and that he'd let you know

Commish (not making eye contact): I need to know if people are coming.

NVE: Oh sorry, if you guys are full, I don't have to run

Commish: I just need to know if people are coming

Yikes.

Come gametime (after 9 of us waited around for 15 minutes waiting for a 10th to show up), NVE weighed the pros/cons of pulling a symbolic Ricky Eff and leaving, but decided to head over to Commish to put in his $5 pay-to-play.

NVE: Thanks for letting me play

Commish: Ok.  And by the way, you carry the ball.  People will call that

Double yikes.  You know who I miss right now?  http://lahrdc.com/assets/staffimages/rastegar.jpg

A suitable monikor for the afforementioned NKBA Commish is pending.

Joining NVE: PB&J (Persian Burper in Jorts...although no jean shorts this time, but sporting cargo shorts), Asian Short Round #1, Asian Short Round #2, and a bull-like power forward Chinese guy wearing goggles and possessing a beautiful mid-range set shot from the elbows in.  He's not Korean, but I shall call him (C)Ho-Grant.  As the game got underway, NVE decided that he would stay under the radar; perhaps he had been a little too aggressive the week before and rubbed people the wrong way.  On the 3rd possession, NVE took the ball on a outlet and headed down court on a 2v2 break at full speed.  Who should stand in his way, but the Commish.  The thought crossed NVE's mind...you know what's coming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7Er_-XZW4E

Rather than utilizing his 40 lb weight advantage to re-enact NVE v Ron Pham's nose (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_-DSk2dwUb04/S_rLsBrBgWI/AAAAAAAABCo/dwjXwMM1GdE/s1600/nash-broken-nose-1.jpeg), NVE settled for a floating layup and jogged back downcourt via the higher road.  The rest of the game (to 20 this week, by twos and threes...apparently they just pick a random number to play to week?!) and evening, for that matter, was wholly unremarkable, filled mostly with a flurry of mid-range shots by Cho Grant.  However, the night did end on a high note, with something very similar to this: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzteG9-a_AA 

Here's a handy translation chart:

Randy Foye = Asian Short Round #1

Blake Griffin = NVE

Chris Kaman = PB&J

10 enormous black guys on the court = 10 Asian midgets

60 foot pass = 10 foot pass

Dunk = Layup that just barely made it over the rim

40 inch vertical = 4 inch vertical

2 defenders in paint = 1 defender with half a foot in the paint

Graceful landing = Landing with an ass-plant

Look for the highlight, coming soon to an And1 mix tape.

Conversations From the Trenches...

One of the more frisky nights in KBA history:  August 16, 2011.

What follows are unedited excerpts, listed chronologically:

7:26pm

Andytollah: Guys, there are too many unpaid players here (16 total; 4 unpaid).  For tonight and tonight only, we'll let it go.  But, starting next week, we'll have to cap it.  Right now, we only have enough spots for 3 more people.  There are 4 of you here who have not paid.  Up to you how you decide.  Maybe you should shoot for it.

7:56pm

[Waiting for next with Dewey and The Mole]

The Mole: See that?

BSR: What?

The Mole: [pointing at Ricky F] He missed the shot and he's not even running back on D.

Dewey: I can't stand that.

BSR: Yeah, but he always does that.

Dewey: I just can't stand that guy.

8:15pm

[The Mole gets fouled on a drive to the basket]

The Mole: Foul.

Taliban: Bullshit.

The Mole: Dude, Taliban, you were hanging all over me.

Taliban: Don't fucking point at me dude.

The Mole: Hanging all over me.

Taliban: Don't fucking point, dude.

8:31pm

[On the sidelines, waiting for next]

BSR: Hey, let me ask you guys something.

The Mole and EKE: Ok.

BSR: Andytollah is probably the worst player here. He even knows it.  But, if you had to pick between Andytollah and Ricky F, who is the worst pla... [cut off by EKE's next line]

EKE: Ricky F; oh, hands down.

The Mole: Oh yeah. No question.

BSR: Really?

The Mole: Andytollah at least tries most of the time.

EKE: There is no question.

BSR: You thin....[cut off]

EKE: Give me Andytollah any day.  I can play with him.  No doubt.

The Mole: It's not even a question.

BSR: I'm glad you guys agree; I'll have to report this to NVE.

8:40pm

[About to start last game of the night]

The Mole: I'm guarding Taliban.

BSR: You sure?

The Mole: I'm guarding Taliban.

BSR: I think you should guard Blake Griffin.

The Mole: I'm guarding Taliban.

8:44pm

[After Taliban does his patented drive, stop and scoop underneath shot, scoring on The Mole]

Taliban: Bitch

The Mole: [speechless]

8:47pm

[Taliban at the 3-point line tries to cross The Mole over and gets intentionally fouled hard]

Taliban: [charging The Mole] What the fuck bitch?

The Mole: Call the foul

Taliban: Don't fucking do that again.

The Mole: Just call the foul

[more cursing as Ricky F and BSR have to separate the two]

8:50pm

[After Taliban makes same scoop underneath move and gets the ball rejected out of bounds]

The Mole: [with a staredown] Get that weak shit outta here.

---END TRANSMISSION

The Return

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBsLxqH-0bQ

Yawn.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QStx8GklKQg

Weak sauce.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y8Wb0ujP40

Uhhhh...huh?

 

 

YEAH!!!

 

Yes folks, the rumors are true.  Last night, after an unexpected last minute call, NVE made his NKBA debut after a 61 day holdout.  In a pregame press conference, NVE stated: "I am disappointed to fall a mere 736 days short of BSR's record of longest stint on the inactive list.  However, I have used this time wisely to pursue my dreams of becoming a professional FIFA gamer.  But I conquered that mountain the moment we opened that can of whoop-ass on Spain.  So I figure it's about time I start playing ball again.  But one thing...I play, Coach stays.  Coach goes, I go."  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Tb4g4psb38

A buzz filled the arena as NVE took the court...or was that just the air conditioning?  Nobody knew what to expect...least of all NVE himself.  The court was a veteran-laden group (mostly 40+ crowd), with an international flavor (94.3% Asian), and brimming with a cerebral grasp of the game (6 feet and under, and nobody can jump > 6 inches).  The games?  Gloriously devoid of any semblance of Ricky Eff.  NVE was immediately matched up with the other "young guy", coincidentally one of two token non-Asians (the other being the gentlemen of unidentifiable ethnicity...possibly Persian...who was fond of burping loudly everytime he entered the lane, leaving a lingering cloud of noxious fumes from a half-digested dinner, also of unidentifiable ethnicity).  He also played in jean shorts, which boggles the mind.  Seriously, get a pair of basketball shorts for $7.99 at Target, your crotch will thank you.  In spite of that, he wasn't a bad player (think: Nigel Gupta)...but I digress. 

 

As the game tipped off, NVE made an immediate impact by shooting the gap and coming up with a steal 10 seconds into the game.  One could surmise what was going through his mind, probably something along the lines of "Muahahahahhahaha, I am better than you fools!  I am faster than you sloths!  I am.."  Which was promptly followed by NVE blowing the wide-open breakway layup, kinda like this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PRxw16zsfM   Ahhhhh...so nothing has changed.  

 

NVE wiped off the rust to play a decent game, finishing the game with 4 points (on 2-6 shooting), 3 assists, and FOUR steals.  Unfortunately, at 16-16 (NKBA rules: playing to 18 with 2s and 3s...18?!?!), NVE ignored the pleas of his teammates to not force it, and tried to zip a pass into the lane, which was tipped away and led to the game-winning bucket at the other end.

 

Undeterred, NVE took the court for the 3rd game of the night, and looked for inspiration:  http://www.football-wallpapers.com/wallpapers3/pato_1_1280x1024.jpg

His team promptly surged to a 14-12 lead on the strength of a scintillating performance by NVE (5-7 shooting, 2 dimes).  On game point (now playing to 15...don't ask), NVE split two defenders at the top of the key and soared in for the game-winning finger roll...and promptly fell out of the sky like he'd been shot by a sniper.  Yes, the cramps did in NVE and that was the end of the night.

 

All in all, a rather ignominious ending to a halfway decent return to the hardwood for NVE.

 

Stay tuned for future episodes of NVE and the NKBA!

The 3rd

While it has long been known that the weakest link on the court is one Andytollah, Ricky E (who still splits teams up by "matchup," splitting himself and Rony!?!) has joined the ranks as the 2nd weakest link.

Out of nowhere, we have competition. Blatant passes to the wrong team; boxing out his own team-mates; trying to steal the ball from his own team; never really knowing (obviously) who is on his team; constantly forgetting to cover his guy (because, again obviously, he's not sure if they are on the same team); and many more blunders to follow.

So, while the KBA fans have only heard of this entity (who, by the way, Ricky E calls "CP3").

We have finally found footage of the one they call Jekyll & Crap.

He is real He exists. And, he is the 3rd weakest link.

You can run. But, you can't Hyde (couldn't resist).

Title Holder

This week's blog will have a different format. Instead of the usual ramblings, below is a list of potential blog titles with brief descriptions.

Un. De. Feated. ...even WITH Ricky F.

Simply put, this title represents the 6-0 night that BSR and Co. enjoyed at the expense of the unlucky teams that came across their path. The stellar team: BSR, The Mole, Dewey (pending formal nomenclature assignment), Andytollah, and Ricky F. Do not adjust your monitors. No need to spell check with the KBA Abridged International Name Dictionary. You read correctly: this was a team with Andytollah AND Ricky F.

The 20 Minute Point.

On this night, tipoff was at 7:08pm PST. By 7:18, the game was tied 6-6: game point both ways. What ensued was the longest game point in KBA history. 20 minutes of shooting and missing and shooting and missing. Each team probably missed 8-10 shots, including 3 for BSR, 4 for The Mole, 3 for Dewey and [insert favorite number] shots for Ricky F. Lost in the sea of misses is the winning shot: by Dewey. After that game, the closest the super team came to losing was a 5-4 deficit in Game 4 of the night. Defeat was averted by a snappy 3-0 run to extend the streak.

Blake Griffin Joins the KBA in Anticipation of the NBA Lockout.

No joke. Blake Griffin's doppelganger (albeit a foot shorter and less hops--no dunk) has joined us. I don't know who he is or how he got here. But, he is Blake Griffin. He has one move--STRONG TO THE HOLE! More in the coming weeks.

BREAKING NEWS: Andytollah Makes History Shooting a Higher Percentage than Ricky F.

Most might shake their heads at this stat because even if Andytollah goes 1-for-1, he is likely going to outdo Ricky F. However, on this night, he actually went 5-for-9, while Ricky F shot 5-for-20-something: essentially a blowout by Andytollah. Now, most are shaking their head at Ricky F's pathetic shooting, which leads us to...

Ricky F Says (for the 1000th time): "How Did I Miss That [insert any of his shots] Shot?"

In yet another display of his complete demise, Ricky F fumbled through another game of no defense and piss-poor offense. The frustration level was so high among his teammates that when Ricky F finally hit a jumper in game 3, all four other teammates cheered. Folks, this is really becoming a debate: choosing between Andytollah and Ricky F is ever so difficult. Props to Andytollah for "closing the gap." Of course, we all recognize that this headline would have never made it past the KBA editors, as it is not considered news.

The OD: Solved!

In complete embarrassment, BSR told the KBA blog that The OD's inexplicable scoring success has been solved by another KBA member. "The Mole had been studying The OD for the past 3 months and after collaborations with USAMRIID and the Harvard School of Statistics and Baketballogy," said BSR, "he let me in on the secret." So vital and accurate was this secret that pre-solution, The OD had two points on 2-for-4 shooting. Post-solution, The OD went 0-for-8. What, one might ask, was the culmination of this 3-months-long multi-center research? "Make him go left," said BSR. Make him go left.

And, with that, we close the chapter on another week at the KBA.

Out With the Old; In With the New

Heading toward Marshall High School was different in the post-NVE era. Thoughts of assists, alley-oops, and layups quickly faded into curses.

The fence to turn into the parking lot was F***ING closed!

Yep. Closed.

After circling around the school twice and shaking my head following eye contact with Andytollah, a 60 year old, 350 lb, 5' 2" blonde female exited her disable-permit-equipped vehicle and opened the gates on the post-NVE era.

And just like that, within minutes, the KBA was back on and Andytollah--in his usual role as everyone's GM--had managed to create a super-team. Sadly he was not on it. Neither was BSR. Nor Ricky F. Meaning: BSR, Andytollah, and Ricky F were on the same team for most of the night.

(Bullets will be used for the remainder of the blog to highlight the noteworthy events).

• The first BSR three-pointer of the night had to wait until game 3 (see below for why) circa 7:38pm PST. NVE-style upper cuts were thrown.
• Ricky F was in top form. He made 4 shots all night (and, yes, he stayed until closing). FOUR shots. One can imagine how many shots he took. No one kept that stat, but it must have been in the 20s. BSR shots in game 1: zero. Ricky F shots in game 1: six.
• While waiting for "next" alongside Andytollah, with Ricky F playing, Andytollah at one point said "I hope Ricky F's team doesn't lose; I don't want him on my team." This is what's become of Ricky F. Mockery from Andytollah. Mockery. From. Andytollah.
• New Character: Some new Kaiser blood finally graced the court of Marshall HS. An athletic-looking baller who turns into absolute shait on the court. A true Jekyll and Crap. Although he can steadily hit mid-range shots in warmups, during the games he has a hard time dribbling and walking at the same time. Although he is of average size and height, he kept begging the forever-assigned-to-guard-ShaheVujicic Andytollah to let him guard Vujicic. After a change of possession, this character was frequently seen doubled over gasping for air, nearing intubation. Meanwhile, in-between games while waiting for next, he was seen doing pointless wind sprints around the tight-quarters of the court, often interfering with play. At present, it can only be said that he is a fellow of some sort. As the KNC (KBA Nomenclature Committee) works on his official KBA name, current thinking is landing somewhere between this guy and this guy. More in the coming months.
• Up for review by the KBA Blog Committee: We, the KNC, hereby make a motion to change the name of Andytollah to Andy Lebatard. Why? Because he looks just like Dan Lebatard: Click here.
• In closing, while BSR's record was 2-3 for the night (after an 0-3 start), it should be noted that both game winners in the two wins were made by.... of course... Ricky F. (Just in case you lost count, those were 2 of his four makes for the night).

NVE's SoCal Exit Anticlimactic

In anticipation of NVE's temporary departure, the KBA was expecting a record turnout. Hopes of watching a triple double performance were dashed mid-day on 7/5 as news broke that the LAUSD had uncharacteristically NOT planned well, leaving the gym floor unfit for greatness.

Thanks to the era of mobile communicating, we bring you the ensuing craze that overtook the Twitter universe:

Me: BREAKING NEWS: @StephenASmithDouche tweets "NVE being sent into retirement without proper farewell. LAUSD cancels KBA last second. Fans demand FCVH." 2:51 PM

NVE: Jeez. And I was planning on hitting 9 threes tonight as a sendoff 2:58 PM

NVE: AND...I already shipped off my TV, so no FC VH!!! F*CK!!! 2:59 PM

Me: @MikeWilbonbon tweets "Pandemonium in LA streets with signs reading 'NVE duped again,' 'Where is Ron Garretson?' and 'We won't go to Cancun yet!' " 3:03 PM

Me: ESPN.com reports: "LAPD being called en masse to contain LA fans." CNN.com breaking news: "LAUSD shuts down offices for the day." 3:04 PM

NVE: @therealNVE tweets: I'll be taking my talents to the new Cancun...Oaktown! Peace out KBA...see ya on the blog! 3:06 PM

NVE: Man, I am going to miss KBA...what a bunch of yahoos 3:08 PM

Me: @therealRonGarretson tweets: "LA is now safer." @MettaWorldPeace tweets: "Peace out brotha; spread the peace." 3:15 PM

NVE: @rickeeeefff tweets: I was going to leave early halfway through the game tonight anyway 3:18 PM

Me: @BSR tweet: "Reports of NVE retirement are exaggerated. I know NVE; he'll be back before long. He won't break longest absence record: 16 mos by yours truly." 3:21 PM

NVE: @therealNVE: NVE will be back! In the meantime, will pursue lifelong aspirations of being futboler and/or rapper during KBA lockout 3:37 PM

Me: @rickeeeefff tweets: "This guy was always on my team. He loves playing on my team. Even after I kicked his own basketball at him. He loves my game." 4:00 PM

Me: @rickeeeefff tweets: "His buddy Monty loves me too. I hope Dru can pass me the ball from Oakland, because he loves my game and my offense, in general." 4:02 PM

NVE: @KBANapoleonDynamite tweets: This opens up a roster spot for my glorious return to KBA! 4:03 PM

Me: @BillSimmons tweets: "I have just made a bid to buy the KBA blog for $2.3 billion dollars--which is just half of my annual salary." 4:04 PM

NVE: @ronpham tweets: now me (and my nose) can finally return safely to KBA!! 4:05 PM

Me: @KingJames tweets: "Ha! I don't care if NVE is leaving. I'm still the best player in South Beach yo!" 4:41 PM

Me: @Magic32 tweets: "The KBA needs to completely overhaul its roster. This is embarrassing, letting NVE go." 4:42 PM

NVE: @BlackMamba24: NVE?! Are you kidding me? Ship his ass out I'd here for Jason Kidd! 4:57 PM

Me: @LamarKardashian: NVE? I'm too high to respond. 5:20 PM

NVE: @skyhook33: forget NVE's jersey, where's my statue? 5:47 PM

Me: @ShahePFDiddy: Hold on, let me throw up this shot. Ok. NVE. Cool dude. 6:07 PM

NVE: @Andytollah: Let's eat! 7:20 PM

Me: @Andytollah: hey, I said let's eat! Someone reply! 8:05 PM

NVE: TV arriving tomorrow, should have internet by next day...FC VH Thursday? 8:53 PM

Me: Now we're talking! This KBA exit was a scam. We never had the chance to beat the Bulls' record. 9:18 PM

NVE: I was really looking forward to blocking Ricky eff 9:20 PM

Me: Last tweet of the night @ChuckSheen: NVE doesn't need KBA. KBA needs NVE #WINNING 10:12 PM

Me: @SCurry: We about to sign NVE! Playoffs (followed by Cancun), here we come! 11:54 AM

NVE: @ricbucher: NVE just arrived in Oaktown amid fanfare and media hoopla, making the bold prediction: "one and done, baby" 4:28 PM

Me: @MWilbon: New Twitter account registered for an anonymous NorCal client: "@1andDoneBaby" 4:29 PM

FCVH Starts Summer Season with Drah-mah!

In stunning fashion, the FCVH Summer Season began with a dramatic 90th minute goal by Robin Van Persie.

KBA 5/17

First, some video of BS-YR, the newly named KBA ambassador to the Far East.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6gUeH--kIA&feature=related

(Side note: this video is simultaneously horrifying and surreal.  SY misses all his 3s in the "shooting" drill!  Is passing against the wall and dribbling in a chair part of the NBA draft combine?  Then watch the last 30 seconds when he scrimmages against grade schoolers, and goes into total dick mode.  Can't believe the Lakers drafted him.)

It was another sparse turnout for KBA, with BS-YR on his KBA goodwill mission to China, EKE recovering from a calf injury, and the Napoleon Dynamite of Basketball self-imposed exile stretching into its 427th consecutive week.  A surprise DNP-CD was Ricky F; early reports that he was unable to play to a nationwide street shortage of anabolic steroids could not be confirmed.  Throw in the absence of Shan, Matt, Garo and the result was this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIK2u6z5EJc

(Side note: the only thing more awesome in this video than the player is the voice-over)

Now imagine 8 people in the court doing the EXACT same thing for 2 hours.

Duy, OD, Wah-qaeda, and Bieber Fever! took on NVE, Andytollah, Shahe Vujacic, and Rudy (Rony's friend: balding scrappy white guy who's five foot nothing).  No seriously.  After an hour of watching Andytollah barely lumber back to half-court on defense, Shahe Vujacic flinging jump passes in the stands and jump shots off the backboard, and Rudy jack up 15 footers that missed by 16 feet, the unthinkable happened.  

NVE went into Ricky F mode.  That's right, Mr. Play-the-Right-Way morphed into everything he ever stood for.  The next 60 minutes were a blur of uncontested three-pointers, wild forays to the hoop, and lackluster hand-waving on defense for NVE...er, NVF.  All of which was to no avail, as Team Shiet went down two more times with barely a whimper.

After the game, NVF was spotted sitting alone in the corner of the locker room, towel over his bowed head.  When reporters asked about his unexpected on-court transformation, NVF shook his head and refused to respond.  However, NVF had clearly cheered up later, when he was caught on video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vw-0ln9L48c

The question remains: will we see the return of good NVE or more of bad NVF next week at KBA?!

  

KBA 5/10/11

With the shocking playoff loss of the Lakers, the KBA once again became the center of the basketball world on 5/10.  The KBAers, many of whom had anticipated a league furlough in honor of Game 5 of Lakers/Mavs, hastily regrouped and assembled at Thomas Mah-rer Arena; however, excitement was tempered by earlier news that KBA stalwart BSR was placed on disabled list with "back spasms".  When asked for comment, BSR seemed remarkably confident that the recovery period would be substantially less than his prior 612 day stint on the DL.  Team trainer MBG refused further comment other than stating that the injury "appears consistent with a high velocity impact sports injury".  KBA Beat writers became immediately suspicious, as BSR has not been spotted jumping or running in KBA action since 2007.  

A home video has pinpointed the likely cause of BSR's injury; the following clip was provided by a source who identified herself only as JK and added the following cryptic statement: "He never puts the goddamn toilet seat down."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxTw_coZyuE

It is not immediately clear whether this invalidates the non-gymnastics clause in BSR's KBA contract.

The night featured the triumphant return of Bieber Fever! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4 (no joke: that IS his real last name) from a chin laceration.  Of note, Bieber Fever! was awarded KBA Tough Guy of the Week after attempting to suture his chin laceration himself at home (again, no joke).

Ricky F, Matt, NVE and the Andytollah matched up against the OD, Shahe Vujacic, Bieber Fever!, and Duy.  Now logic dictates that the team with the size advantage at every position should win the games, right?  Of course, this being the KBA (a vacuum of logic and basketball IQ) the Smurfs promptly raced out to win the first two games, including the first recorded 4 vs 0 fast break in which no player from the opposing team actually crossed half-court.  Coach Ricky F exhorted his troops on with incessant screams of "DEFENSE, DEFENSE, COME ON DEFENSE!" http://www.spreadshirt.ie/white-you-re-full-of-shit-3-3c-neu-ho-C4408A12344856.  

However, the size advantage of Ricky F and the rickyeffs ultimately wore down the Smurfs in the last three games.  Ricky F attempted a mid-game walkoff with 7 minutes left due to frustration of a lack of shots, but eventually returned to the court after some half-hearted coaxing from his teammates.  http://chrisabraham.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/douchebag.jpg

NVE salvaged another atrocious shooting performance with the game winner from the right wing on the night's final shot http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POXL49YzEns

3 things to note from that video:

1) The complete utter lack of emotion from Cedric Ceballos under the basket

2) Del Harris going straight up gangsta from the sideline

3) We once had Tony Smith, Sam Bowie, and George Lynch on our roster...sweet jesus.

KBA action...it's craptastic!!!

KBA 2/15

WINNER.

Let's face it, can there be any greater compliment to bestow upon any baller than to simply say: he's a winner.  You take your scoring titles, MVPs, and endorsement deals...in the end, it's all the ring, isn't it?  It is easy to point at Carmelo or McGrady, and scoff: "All flash, he ain't no Russell, Jordan, or Kobe!  Now, those guys are the winners!"  But isn't that going after the low-hanging fruit?  After all, It's easy to pick out winners that have the skills and the ESPN highlights.  But what about those that toil anonymously in the shadows of the greatness, but somehow, inevitably end up delivering their indelible stamp when the game hangs in the balance?  No lead actors here, I'm talking about the supporting cast.  The William H Macy's of the court to whom you never give a second thought when the game begins.  The guy with the awkwardly goofy shot and too-short shorts that you almost feel sorry for while simultaneously thinking: Oooh, I can't wait to take that sorry fool to the bucket!  And yet, SOMEHOW, that fool always ends up holding up the golden ball in the locker room?!  You know who I'm talking about: the Derek Fishers, Robert Horrys, and Mario Elies of the world.  

With several KBA stars (BSR, Wah-qaeda...newly renamed Taliban) opting to check out early for the All-Star break (along with the entire Lakers roster), the KBA was forced to take the court shorthanded.  Early fears of a potential failure to reach a quorum were put to rest when the Andytollah strolled in, kicking off some furious 4-on-4 action.  Games were delayed for 10 minutes so the Andytollah could be appropriately heckled for wearing an Ed Hardy-esque T-shirt while playing.  No word on whether the KBA league office plans to hand down a fine for inappropriate game attire.    

http://jerseyshoreslang.com/tag/ed-hardy-cologne/

EKE, Andytollah (aka the Situation), Shahe Vujacic and The Ex-Commissioner took the floor against Ricky D, NVE, OD, and the Catapulter.  Now my loyal reader(s): you are probably asking yourself right now: who the hell is The Catapulter?  It's Random Asian Guy.  Duh.  

Ricky D and the rickydees proceeded to put on a scorching display of shooting, winning the first game in a rout (7-3), and the second in a closely fought battle (15-13) featuring a game-winning two-pointer by Ricky D himself.  Following the demoralizing loss, the Situations seemed to lose their will, while the rickydees stormed ahead.  The Situations were kept in the game briefly by Shahe Vujacic (7 points, including a step-back two-pointer...no seriously!), but ultimately fell behind 12-8 on game point.

Following a missed three by EKE, NVE corralled the long rebound and raced upcourt for ultimately ended up being  a 3-on-1 break.  With the "offside" rule in place, NVE cleared halfcourt, then heard the voice from the heavens...or at least Northern California.  A voice begging for the FIST play, just this once.  So it would have to be a modified FIST play, but that was okay.  And so he lofted the NVE ball and as it gently took took flight towards the heavens, he thought of how perfect it all was.  FIST play on game point...what celebration was worthy of such perfection?  The airplane...definitely the airplane.  So as the NVE-F16 was about to take celebratory flight, the Catapult swooped in, took the perfect FISTlob literally inches from the bucket and got soundly rejected by the rim.  The OD scooped up the ball and finished the game, but it was all too little, too late.  Apparently, it IS possible to win and lose on the same play.  

Prior to Game #4, NVE was traded straight up for the Andytollah (jeez...I hope there was an expiring contract thrown in there).  Two tightly-fought contests ensued, and in spite of a spirited defensive effort, the rickydees again emerged victorious to cap off an undefeated 5 game run for the night. 

Which brings me to my original point: Is OD the greatest KBA winner ever?  This marks AT LEAST the third five-game winning streak that this blogger can recall.  

Could it be?  A man with no definable skill set: can't shoot, too small to defend/rebound, dribbles too much before barreling into three defenders, takes wild shots, not a good passer...but mentioned in the same breath as the greatest winners in basketball history...D-Fish, Big Shot Rob...OD?!?!?!?!??

KBA 2K11

The KBA returned to action last Tuesday after a brief one week hiatus.  Commissioner FA released the following statement: "Unlike that other p*ssy league NBA, the KBA requires effort and commitment 52 weeks of the year (except when our unionized maintenance workers forget to unlock the doors).  The weeklong hiatus was planned, and designed as a chance for our stars to reconnect with loved ones over the holiday.  The league remains committed to the mental and emotional health of our players, and to demonstrate our commitment, the KBA is pleased to announce a $50,000 donation to the Ron Artest Foundation."

 

Nevertheless, rumors abound that the hiatus was actually a league-implemented player lockout, allegedly over unpaid league dues.  Commission FA denied these allegations, and also stated that resumption of play was unrelated to the announcement earlier in the week of a new $1.2 million KBA sponsorship deal which resulted in the renaming of the KBA home court. 

 

And with that background, the players took the court at the newly renamed Thomas Mah-rer KBArena for the first game of 2011.  The layoff did not initially appear to affect play as the squad of BSR, NVE, Shahe Vujacic and It's Pat cruised to a surprisingly easy victory.  The effort was spearheaded by a 68 point effort by Vujacic, who equalled career highs in points, shots taken, and chest hair. 

 

Unfortunately, that proved to be the highlight of the night, as the team proceeded to put lay a Laker-esque turd for the rest of the night.  The most egregious offender was NVE, whose putrid 3 for 37 shooting was exceeded only by 16 turnovers (including two consecutive turnovers by dribbling the ball off his knee) and blowing a potential game-winning breakway layup in Game #2.  Lost in the atrocious performance was a season-high 5 blocks for BSR, which occurred predominantly on ill-conceived blind charges to the hoop by the Armenian Artest.     

 

Following the game, reports surfaced that NVE is being currently being wooed by several franchises in the NKBA.  Asked after the game by reporters whether his uncertain contract status had impacted his play, NVE responded with an expletive-filled rant and stomped out of the locker room. 

 

When asked whether NVE's contract negotiations represented a distraction to the team, Shahe Vujacic paused briefly before responding: "It did seem like I wasn't getting the ball in my sweet spot, where I typically like to take my shots...you know, behind the backboard while falling out of bounds."

 

BSR, continuing his season-long vow to not speak to the media, refused comment.  However, new drama may be in the works as an anonymous source reports BSR is in talks to star in his own reality show. 

 

NVE later released the following cryptic tweet: "Media always drinking the Hate-orade!  Much love to all my fans, gotta stay strong and keep it real.  VA needs to lift the firewall from YouTube...peace out!"  

 

Stay tuned, for the next episode of the drama that is THE KBA...