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| BSR (left), NVE (right) triumphantly hoist the Vitasoy® W. Lance George KBA Championship trophy |
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
From the victorious locker room...
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
KBA Media Week
The basketball world will turns its eyes to the John Martin Arena this Tuesday as FC VH attempts to capture its first KBA championship. On the eve of the KBA Finals, let's take a look at FC VH's improbable run toward their date with destiny!
FC VH entered the KBA playoffs as the #7 seed following a solid, if unspectacular, regular season. BSR finished up a solid campaign with a First Team All-KBA selection and led the league in 3PT for the 13th consecutive year. NVE was honored with another First Team All-KBA Defensive nod and led the league in players injured, personal injury timeouts and mid-season vacations to South America. With their nondescript regular season, FC VH was expected to submit their customary first round flameout; Vegas sports books placed final odds of FC VH advancing to the Finals at 35-1. Another pathetic playoff showing by FC VH certainly seemed inevitable after a lackluster Game 1 loss in the opening series. However, FC VH shockingly rebounded to win their next four contests in surprisingly easy fashion to complete the first round upset. FC VH followed the same blueprint in winning their next series 4-1 against the #3 seed. In a hard-fought series highlighted by a Game 6 comeback down 13-7, FC VH rode stifling crunch-time defense to advance to their first ever KBA Finals.
Relations between NVE and the media have been tense all year along, stemming from rampant rumors that FC VH will try to trade up in the draft to select highly touted PG D'Angelo Russell. Breaking his season-long vow to boycott the media, NVE showed up 47 minutes late to his media session which clocked in at a mere 6 minutes and 13 seconds. Starting his session with "I'm just here so I don't get fined", NVE stared sullenly at his phone and answered every question cryptically: "Vanco, Zosyn and fluconazole is the answer for everything."
BSR, on the other hand, seemed to take the media circus in stride, graciously answering all questions and seemingly stopping his custom-made purple and gold golf cart every 10 feet to sign an autograph for yet another adoring fan. The goodwill tour, however, hit a speed bump on Monday afternoon:
TJ Simers [LA Times]: How does it feel to not be recognized as one of the 5 greatest Iranian athletes of all-time?
BSR: I beg your pardon?
TJ Simers [LA Times]: Haven't you heard? The Minister of Sporting and Cultural Affairs just made the announcement and they'll be directly inducted into the Iranian Hall Of Prestige next fall.
BSR: Give me that press release!
5. ALI KARIMI
4. ALADDIN
3. THE IRON SHEIK
2. HAMED HADDADI
1. ALI FAROKHMANESH
BSR: [sputtering] Farokhmanesh made ONE SHOT! And Haddadi is playing in Guangzhou, China! Did you forget about the 92.8 ppg/0.0 apg game?! What about "The Buddy Tape Game"?!?! Coppin State?!?!?! Gentlemen, y'all are gonna see a show next Tuesday and we'll see who will be going to the IHOP!!!
Update: We've obtained an exclusive overnight video from TMZ of what appears to be BSR disguised as a portly Asian male in khaki shorts conducting a pre-game shootaround. We're still awaiting independent verification from facial recognition software, but if confirmed, it seems we can expect a shooting performance for the ages!!!
FC VH entered the KBA playoffs as the #7 seed following a solid, if unspectacular, regular season. BSR finished up a solid campaign with a First Team All-KBA selection and led the league in 3PT for the 13th consecutive year. NVE was honored with another First Team All-KBA Defensive nod and led the league in players injured, personal injury timeouts and mid-season vacations to South America. With their nondescript regular season, FC VH was expected to submit their customary first round flameout; Vegas sports books placed final odds of FC VH advancing to the Finals at 35-1. Another pathetic playoff showing by FC VH certainly seemed inevitable after a lackluster Game 1 loss in the opening series. However, FC VH shockingly rebounded to win their next four contests in surprisingly easy fashion to complete the first round upset. FC VH followed the same blueprint in winning their next series 4-1 against the #3 seed. In a hard-fought series highlighted by a Game 6 comeback down 13-7, FC VH rode stifling crunch-time defense to advance to their first ever KBA Finals.
Relations between NVE and the media have been tense all year along, stemming from rampant rumors that FC VH will try to trade up in the draft to select highly touted PG D'Angelo Russell. Breaking his season-long vow to boycott the media, NVE showed up 47 minutes late to his media session which clocked in at a mere 6 minutes and 13 seconds. Starting his session with "I'm just here so I don't get fined", NVE stared sullenly at his phone and answered every question cryptically: "Vanco, Zosyn and fluconazole is the answer for everything."
BSR, on the other hand, seemed to take the media circus in stride, graciously answering all questions and seemingly stopping his custom-made purple and gold golf cart every 10 feet to sign an autograph for yet another adoring fan. The goodwill tour, however, hit a speed bump on Monday afternoon:
TJ Simers [LA Times]: How does it feel to not be recognized as one of the 5 greatest Iranian athletes of all-time?
BSR: I beg your pardon?
TJ Simers [LA Times]: Haven't you heard? The Minister of Sporting and Cultural Affairs just made the announcement and they'll be directly inducted into the Iranian Hall Of Prestige next fall.
BSR: Give me that press release!
5. ALI KARIMI
4. ALADDIN
3. THE IRON SHEIK
2. HAMED HADDADI
1. ALI FAROKHMANESH
BSR: [sputtering] Farokhmanesh made ONE SHOT! And Haddadi is playing in Guangzhou, China! Did you forget about the 92.8 ppg/0.0 apg game?! What about "The Buddy Tape Game"?!?! Coppin State?!?!?! Gentlemen, y'all are gonna see a show next Tuesday and we'll see who will be going to the IHOP!!!
Update: We've obtained an exclusive overnight video from TMZ of what appears to be BSR disguised as a portly Asian male in khaki shorts conducting a pre-game shootaround. We're still awaiting independent verification from facial recognition software, but if confirmed, it seems we can expect a shooting performance for the ages!!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Mid-Season Blues
With as much fanfare as paint drying, the KBA returned to action following NVE's international Puma promotional trip and search for the missing Stephen John Nash.
(Note: For those wondering why the four purchased tickets to Tuesday's KBA resulted in the 987th consecutive empty stands: the four patrons were loaned out to the city of New Orleans to help hold up signs cheering "D" and "Fence" in hopes of helping the Lakers attain a top 5 spot in the league
Note to the Note above: while "Top 5 Spot in the league" may sound like an achievement, it is clever use of syntax to present an illusion of success and should not be used as a reference whatsoever)
The victorious night firmly planted the team as a 7th seed in the playoff race as BSR improved his shooting to 5 for 29 while managing 1.2 RPG and 2.1 APG with 5.6 TOs per game -- stats that are sure to keep the folks at Grantland burning the midnight oil.
Although no phone calls or emails have been received, following the high-quality entertainment noted above, the KBA refuses to "sell out" by answering contractual requests for TV rights by TNT, ESPN, Nickelodeon, or even KOCE citing "integrity" as the main reason.
So, be sure to tune into this exclusive blog regularly for our next update.
cue music
Strictly adhering to coach Z's regimen, the dynamic duo of NVE and BSR decided to take their talents to the hallowed halls of some rinky-dink high school in the bowels of Southern California as a warmup to their upcoming KBA return.
Going 0-4 and shooting 1 for 21, BSR's post game comments were rife with "I think I'm ready for my return" and "I had to get it all out of my system."
Playing against the cousin of KBA's most infamous past member (The Man Whom they call Bell, Man) it was near impossible for anyone else to have a chance of success. Luckily, NVE's 5 for 20 shooting and valiant effort on defense and the defensive boards helped propel his record to a more respectable who-the-F-cares.
Fast forward to the 2015 premiere and Season 5 return of KBA just two days later (which can be summed up by the following images):
It was really a wonder how that night ended 2-3.
The mid-season 5 blues continued into the most recent outing, but thanks to a focused effort from all, the elementary-school skills were quickly overshadowed by a 4-1 record and a little game winning luck:
(Note: For those wondering why the four purchased tickets to Tuesday's KBA resulted in the 987th consecutive empty stands: the four patrons were loaned out to the city of New Orleans to help hold up signs cheering "D" and "Fence" in hopes of helping the Lakers attain a top 5 spot in the league
Note to the Note above: while "Top 5 Spot in the league" may sound like an achievement, it is clever use of syntax to present an illusion of success and should not be used as a reference whatsoever)
The victorious night firmly planted the team as a 7th seed in the playoff race as BSR improved his shooting to 5 for 29 while managing 1.2 RPG and 2.1 APG with 5.6 TOs per game -- stats that are sure to keep the folks at Grantland burning the midnight oil.
Although no phone calls or emails have been received, following the high-quality entertainment noted above, the KBA refuses to "sell out" by answering contractual requests for TV rights by TNT, ESPN, Nickelodeon, or even KOCE citing "integrity" as the main reason.
So, be sure to tune into this exclusive blog regularly for our next update.
cue music
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