In what has become an all-too-familiar sight, KBA superstar BSR has once again gone AWOL in what many speculate is a thinly veiled attempt to renegotiate his existing contract. BSR's recent 2 year extension, reportedly worth $48.5 million, was signed just last season as FC VH desperately fought to retain the face of the franchise amidst three consecutive playoff collapses and whispers of rebuilding. The deal was heavily criticized around the league as hampering the team's flexibility in an attempt to attract new talent to the rapidly aging roster. Also frustrating to many FC VH fans was BSR's repeated pattern of mysterious ailments and circumstances, some of which often coincide with demands for contact renegotiations. Let's look back at a history of BSR's prolonged absences (and "official" listed reasons for absence):
2003: 30 day rehab for unspecified substance addiction (perhaps cash?)
2004: KBA Thrive Cafe scandal - league suspension
2005: "Slap Heard Round the World" - facial injury in shape of female right hand
2007-09: Back injury, though widely suspected to actually be gambling related league suspension
2011: Fasting for Ramadan during short-lived dalliance with Islam and jersey change to Farookh Muhammed Al-BSR
2013: Chikungunya and/or Lassa fever
2014: Paternity leave
Amid the growing backlash and negative attention on social media (#B$$$R, #Can'tSpellBitchWithoutRingsWithoutBSR), BSR was quick to release a slickly produced video featuring a small individual which he identified as a newborn son. Yet in somewhat contradictory fashion, his agent Max later released an official statement, claiming BSR's absence was related to a severe case of salpingitis which would require further rehab and platelet-infused hysteroscopy in Germany.
Editorial note: One cannot deny BSR's stature and place in the annals of KBA history. However, when it comes to his KBA Hall of Fame candidacy, one wonders whether his multiple absences will impact what would otherwise be a first-ballot HoF career. It was once said that the three most important attributes of a KBA superstar are "The Three A's: Availability, Affability, and Ability." BSR clearly has 2 of the 3 check-marked, as KBA's all-time leader in points, 3PT, 3PT%, 3PT missed, turnovers and sideline deep tissue massages, and as the reigning 6 time winner of the Lady Henry Peng Trophy for gentlemanly play. But will the first (and arguably most important) A, stand in BSR's destiny of a pewter/aluminum alloy bust in 4950 Sunset? Only time will tell.
In the absence of their longest tenured player, KBA continued on with the perfect turnout of 10 players! Ummmm…check that. That's 10 players. Total. Over TWO weeks. The clear highlight was Week #1 3 on 3 action, featuring NVE joining forces with Ricky F and Unicycle in the first ever display of one man zone defense.
Post-game in the locker room, NVE was seen quietly passing around a hat and collecting money from fellow KBA players. On the surface, it appeared that NVE was taking the initiative to raise funds and help meet BSR's new exorbitant contract demand for a private carriage drawn by purple and gold unicorns to and from games. However, our investigative reporters have uncovered: it appears NVE is spearheading a $3000 campaign to replace BSR...with the ORIGINAL BSR?!?!?!?!
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