KBA Memories: Origins

NVE and BSR, the legends of the KBA, weren't always the historic figures they are today. They had to earn their stripes in the early 2000s.

In this edition of KBA memories, we look at the lead-up to their being dubbed NVE and BSR: the KBA knighthood that they both ultimately deserved.

[Note: Some names and details of these email messages have been altered to enhance make-sensedness and to protect the anonimity of those involved]

Email string starting Oct 27, 2006 and ending Dec 1, 2006

_________________________________________________

Artist now known as NVE wrote:

[Name of artist now known as BSR],

I think I managed to squeeze off 4 shots last time, but three of them were
off rebounds. On a couple of those rebounds, I saw Farhad wide-open
spotting up about 75 feet away, but I selfishly decided to go right back up.
Sorry for being such a ballhog.

I'm going start calling you BW, for being the new Ben Wallace (2 pts. 24
rebounds)

Signed,
[Colloquial non-KBA licensed nickname of Artist now known as NVE]

_________________________________________________

Artist now known as BSR wrote:

BW,

Just for the record, I did NOT have 24 rebounds... I think you had 20 of them and I had 4.  So, it's more like 2 points, 4 rebounds for me.

Signed,
KB
(you can figure that one out... and, no, it's not Kobe)

_________________________________________________

RH (aka BSR)

Who needs KB when we got ME (Maurice, that is).  Now, do you still want to trade my boy Andy Bynum for a washed-up head-case like Artest?

What a game--caught the 2nd half after ball. 

We actually played on the good court since the other side had a complete no-show.  Had 9 people show...surpassed our combined shot total last week by 7:18 tonight.  

The two Slavas weren't there this week.  

RF 

_________________________________________________

  

Foxie

It was a great game.  You know we were down by 19?!
I can't believe we beat the Suns with THIS lineup!

Good to hear bball was a bit more... balanced.

I'll summarize my Bynum response with this anecdote:
*Down the stretch in the 4th quarter, on a play where Bynum was posting up, I stood up and yelled "Give Bynum the fucking ball!"

BSR

_________________________________________________

  

Email dated Dec 1, 2006:
(First official notation of the "NVE" and "BSR" names; submitted to Library of Congress; work order #789664546448-011)

AL (aka NVE)

I hope you watched that 3rd quarter vs. the Jazz... Kobe was just sick.  That is probably the best single quarter performance I'll ever see!

MB (aka BSR)

p.s.  Did we go like 2-4 last Tuesday in hoops?  UNacceptable.

   

BSR: Wherefore Art Thou?

In what has become an all-too-familiar sight, KBA superstar BSR has once again gone AWOL in what many speculate is a thinly veiled attempt to renegotiate his existing contract.  BSR's recent 2 year extension, reportedly worth $48.5 million, was signed just last season as FC VH desperately fought to retain the face of the franchise amidst three consecutive playoff collapses and whispers of rebuilding.  The deal was heavily criticized around the league as hampering the team's flexibility in an attempt to attract new talent to the rapidly aging roster.  Also frustrating to many FC VH fans was BSR's repeated pattern of mysterious ailments and circumstances, some of which often coincide with demands for contact renegotiations.  Let's look back at a history of BSR's prolonged absences (and "official" listed reasons for absence):

2003: 30 day rehab for unspecified substance addiction (perhaps cash?) 

2004: KBA Thrive Cafe scandal - league suspension

2005: "Slap Heard Round the World" - facial injury in shape of female right hand

2007-09: Back injury, though widely suspected to actually be gambling related league suspension

2011: Fasting for Ramadan during short-lived dalliance with Islam and jersey change to Farookh Muhammed Al-BSR

2013: Chikungunya and/or Lassa fever

2014: Paternity leave

Amid the growing backlash and negative attention on social media (#B$$$R, #Can'tSpellBitchWithoutRingsWithoutBSR), BSR was quick to release a slickly produced video featuring a small individual which he identified as a newborn son.  Yet in somewhat contradictory fashion, his agent Max later released an official statement, claiming BSR's absence was related to a severe case of salpingitis which would require further rehab and platelet-infused hysteroscopy in Germany.

Editorial note: One cannot deny BSR's stature and place in the annals of KBA history.  However, when it comes to his KBA Hall of Fame candidacy, one wonders whether his multiple absences will impact what would otherwise be a first-ballot HoF career.  It was once said that the three most important attributes of a KBA superstar are "The Three A's: Availability, Affability, and Ability." BSR clearly has 2 of the 3 check-marked, as KBA's all-time leader in points, 3PT, 3PT%, 3PT missed, turnovers and sideline deep tissue massages, and as the reigning 6 time winner of the Lady Henry Peng Trophy for gentlemanly play.  But will the first (and arguably most important) A, stand in BSR's destiny of a pewter/aluminum alloy bust in 4950 Sunset?  Only time will tell.  

In the absence of their longest tenured player, KBA continued on with the perfect turnout of 10 players!  Ummmm…check that.  That's 10 players.  Total.  Over TWO weeks.  The clear highlight was Week #1 3 on 3 action, featuring NVE joining forces with Ricky F and Unicycle in the first ever display of one man zone defense.   

Post-game in the locker room, NVE was seen quietly passing around a hat and collecting money from fellow KBA players.  On the surface, it appeared that NVE was taking the initiative to raise funds and help meet BSR's new exorbitant contract demand for a private carriage drawn by purple and gold unicorns to and from games.  However, our investigative reporters have uncovered: it appears NVE is spearheading a $3000 campaign to replace BSR...with the ORIGINAL BSR?!?!?!?!

http://www.thuzio.com/robert-horry.html

KBA Memories: "I'm Back (From My Back)!

5 Years Ago, On This Day in KBA History:

Dateline: Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Found this on HoopsHype:

Much speculation surrounds the rumored return of legendary Kaiser swingman M Beheshti to the hardwood courts after a two year absence.  Beheshti's absence dates back to 2007 from what seemed to be, at the time, a seemingly innocuous back injury sustained without direct contact.  Despite the valiant efforts of team trainer Peter Taylor who performed an emergency deep tissue sensual massage on the sidelines, Beheshti limped out of the gym that night like a three-legged cow and disappeared like a fart in the wind.

Like a fabled mythical creature, the Persian sharp-shooter has only been seen in brief glimpses over the past two years and continuous speculation has swirled over his whereabouts.  Beheshti has been notoriously reluctant to speak to the media, but top sources reveal that he has rehabbing his back using a controversial regimen consisting of high-dose falafel.  Top orthopedic surgeons have been skeptical, stating that a back injury lasting two years could only be sustained by an baller with true athletic ability and a vertical leap of greater than two inches (link: McGrady, Tracy)  Other naysayers speculate that Beheshti lost his passion for the game and walked away to pursue other interests.  One teammate, who agreed to comment on the basis of anonymity, stated: "Let's be honest...after the greatest game in KBA history (the Coppin State game), and the greatest run in KBA history (UNC run), there really weren't any more challenges for the man.  He had done everything and every groupie in the KBA.  He needed a new challenge, and for him, that challenge was antibiotic stewardship."  Indeed, Beheshti has frequently been seen toiling as a low-paid peon in various medical facilities, where his duties often consist of examining rotting feet.  Conspiracy theorists have speculated that Beheshti's back injury was merely a front, and the real reason for his absence was a forced exile for gambling related league violations.  League commissioner M Goetz refused comment when contacted.

So the basketball world is once again abuzz with rumors.  Will Beheshti indeed return?  If so, will he return as a shadow of his former self, like former KBA stars who attempted returns (link: Pasheyan, Shahe)?  How will he respond to the first inevitable cheap shot to the back from fellow aging veteran and former Coppin State teammate A Lai?  Will he bow to the league's current fashion fad and return with the porn-stache, first popularized by the early KBA star John Martin?  

Only time will tell