Mid-Season Blues

With as much fanfare as paint drying, the KBA returned to action following NVE's international Puma promotional trip and search for the missing Stephen John Nash.

Strictly adhering to coach Z's regimen, the dynamic duo of NVE and BSR decided to take their talents to the hallowed halls of some rinky-dink high school in the bowels of Southern California as a warmup to their upcoming KBA return.

Going 0-4 and shooting 1 for 21, BSR's post game comments were rife with "I think I'm ready for my return" and "I had to get it all out of my system."

Playing against the cousin of KBA's most infamous past member (The Man Whom they call Bell, Man) it was near impossible for anyone else to have a chance of success. Luckily, NVE's 5 for 20 shooting and valiant effort on defense and the defensive boards helped propel his record to a more respectable who-the-F-cares.

Fast forward to the 2015 premiere and Season 5 return of KBA just two days later (which can be summed up by the following images):

It was really a wonder how that night ended 2-3.

The mid-season 5 blues continued into the most recent outing, but thanks to a focused effort from all, the elementary-school skills were quickly overshadowed by a 4-1 record and a little game winning luck:

(Note: For those wondering why the four purchased tickets to Tuesday's KBA resulted in the 987th consecutive empty stands: the four patrons were loaned out to the city of New Orleans to help hold up signs cheering "D" and "Fence" in hopes of helping the Lakers attain a top 5 spot in the league

Note to the Note above: while "Top 5 Spot in the league" may sound like an achievement, it is clever use of syntax to present an illusion of success and should not be used as a reference whatsoever)

The victorious night firmly planted the team as a 7th seed in the playoff race as BSR improved his shooting to 5 for 29 while managing 1.2 RPG and 2.1 APG with 5.6 TOs per game -- stats that are sure to keep the folks at Grantland burning the midnight oil.

Although no phone calls or emails have been received, following the high-quality entertainment noted above, the KBA refuses to "sell out" by answering contractual requests for TV rights by TNT, ESPN, Nickelodeon, or even KOCE citing "integrity" as the main reason.

So, be sure to tune into this exclusive blog regularly for our next update.

cue music

Escape from Mordor

When late word arrived of NVE being scratched (DNP-Coach Max's Decision), the capacity crowd of 2 quickly dissipated in anticipation of another disappointing outing by FCVH.

The 19-18 record (0.514; 10th place vs 2014 NBA WC Standings) in KBA EPL's fourth season was the worst in its short history and with only a few games left had the boys from FCVH dangerously close to being shamefully eliminated.

Again a late-comer, BSR entered the arena and quickly realized that this was no regular night for the KBA.  The teams assembled had turned the John Martin Legen-waitforit-dary Court into the hellish Mordor.

The team of Ricky F, Uni, RedShit, The Hobbit were pitted against Matt, Jedi Master, Beard Papa, and Carry McTraveller. 

It was unreal.

Three point shot after three point shot reigning down. Rebound after rebound snatched up by the evilly overmatched ones. With little effort, the Mordorians made mincemeat of the Ricky F led unit in a game that seemed like 45-0 when it ended.

With barely a chance to dribble the ball even once, BSR was "next."

Adding some late-arrivals the teams were "evenly split" as follows:

Team Mordor: Matt, It's Pat, Shahe, Beard Papa, and Carry McTraveller.
Team Hobbits: Ricky F, Uni, BSR, RedShit, and The Hobbit

This was it. Into the pits of hell we went...

12-2.

Yep.

Before anyone could blink, it was 12-2 and the Hobbits were gasping for air.  After calling on the ring, though, the Hobbit defense awoke. What was this? Ricky F boxing out?!  RedShit putting a hand up to contest? Uni not switching at random? Two BSR threes later, it was 12-8. Not winnable, but respectable.  

But, the lockdown defense by the Hobbits was suffocating and The Mordorians were not scoring again. 

In fact, the 2 fair weather fans that left missed perhaps the most remarkable comeback in KBA history: one to rival Coppin State's Legen-waitforit-dary game. 

Final score. 12-14 to the Hobbits. 
History was re-written.
Mouths were agape.
It. Had. Happened.

Dejected, the Mordorians quickly regrouped. In the next game, they quickly flew out to a 7-0 lead. But, alas, these be Hobbitses!

Final score. 11-14 to the Hobbits.
History was being written.
Mouths were agape.
It. Was. Happening.

Next game. Mordorians led 11-8.
Final score. 11-14 to the Hobbits.
History was shattered.
Mouths were agape.
It. Was. Real!

The night that unfolded will be one that many will not be soon forgotten.

Overall record: 5-0.
The Hobbits had iced Mordor.
It. Had. Happened.

Carry McTraveller won quote of the night as we walked off: "you guys totally dominated us."

What, one might ask, was the reason for this unlikely outcome?

Don't be fooled. There were plenty of BSR misses. Plenty of one-on-five jacked up fade aways by (no, not Ricky F) The Hobbit to make you vomit.  There were dozens of unforced turnovers by RedShit. Ricky F was Ricky F, though with a relatively stellar shooting percentage in the teens.  On at least three occasions, Uni was caught looking away from the play WHILE running a 3 on 1 fast break resulting in pass hitting the back of his wide open head.

None of that mattered. Because this will forever be etched in the Hobbitses brains: 5-0 vs Mordor.

But the real reason for the domination was perhaps best stated by one Patrick James Riley: defense.

Utterly dominant, demoralizing defense.

The night that could help pave the way for FCVH's much-needed resurrection did end with some entertaining twists.

In the final game (the injury game), The Hobbit "jammed" his finger and proceeded to freak out to the point of uncontrollable tremors of his left hand. After a normal exam and attempt to calm his teammate by the one they call BSR, it was revealed that The Hobbits uses his handses for his monies.

"What doth you do, Hobbitses?"

"Why, I plays the guitarses."

As it became quickly evident that this was no ordinary H o b b i t. (Editor's note: Each letter in the preceding "Hobbit" is a unique link. Proceed in order for maximal enjoyment).

KBA Memories: Origins

NVE and BSR, the legends of the KBA, weren't always the historic figures they are today. They had to earn their stripes in the early 2000s.

In this edition of KBA memories, we look at the lead-up to their being dubbed NVE and BSR: the KBA knighthood that they both ultimately deserved.

[Note: Some names and details of these email messages have been altered to enhance make-sensedness and to protect the anonimity of those involved]

Email string starting Oct 27, 2006 and ending Dec 1, 2006

_________________________________________________

Artist now known as NVE wrote:

[Name of artist now known as BSR],

I think I managed to squeeze off 4 shots last time, but three of them were
off rebounds. On a couple of those rebounds, I saw Farhad wide-open
spotting up about 75 feet away, but I selfishly decided to go right back up.
Sorry for being such a ballhog.

I'm going start calling you BW, for being the new Ben Wallace (2 pts. 24
rebounds)

Signed,
[Colloquial non-KBA licensed nickname of Artist now known as NVE]

_________________________________________________

Artist now known as BSR wrote:

BW,

Just for the record, I did NOT have 24 rebounds... I think you had 20 of them and I had 4.  So, it's more like 2 points, 4 rebounds for me.

Signed,
KB
(you can figure that one out... and, no, it's not Kobe)

_________________________________________________

RH (aka BSR)

Who needs KB when we got ME (Maurice, that is).  Now, do you still want to trade my boy Andy Bynum for a washed-up head-case like Artest?

What a game--caught the 2nd half after ball. 

We actually played on the good court since the other side had a complete no-show.  Had 9 people show...surpassed our combined shot total last week by 7:18 tonight.  

The two Slavas weren't there this week.  

RF 

_________________________________________________

  

Foxie

It was a great game.  You know we were down by 19?!
I can't believe we beat the Suns with THIS lineup!

Good to hear bball was a bit more... balanced.

I'll summarize my Bynum response with this anecdote:
*Down the stretch in the 4th quarter, on a play where Bynum was posting up, I stood up and yelled "Give Bynum the fucking ball!"

BSR

_________________________________________________

  

Email dated Dec 1, 2006:
(First official notation of the "NVE" and "BSR" names; submitted to Library of Congress; work order #789664546448-011)

AL (aka NVE)

I hope you watched that 3rd quarter vs. the Jazz... Kobe was just sick.  That is probably the best single quarter performance I'll ever see!

MB (aka BSR)

p.s.  Did we go like 2-4 last Tuesday in hoops?  UNacceptable.