BASKETBALL

Utterly Bored by the Clippers and the Lakers, 

Los Angeles Will Turn its Attention to 

KBA-PL's 2nd Season, Starting Tonight

Questions of strategy-changes, roster deficiencies, and play execution will highlight the start of this season

Neither NVE nor BSR could stop the onslaught of the Matt/Pat top-seeded rivals at KBA 
( November 12, 2013)

Season XVI Goes Down Toilet, Joins FC VH Performance

Following an unexpectedly slow start, FC VH rode the momentum of the mid-season Champions League victory to finish 37-20 and claim the #4 seed.  Home court advantage proved to be crucial in the first round, as FC VH scrapped out a 4-2 series win and advanced to the Western Conference Semi-Finals.  

Round 2 saw the FC VH go up against longtime foes It's Pat, It's Matt, Ricky F and the Jedi-Master.  Expectations were high, as FC VH had handled the #1 seed with relative ease in prior matchups in the regular season.  Seconds before tipoff, however, FC VH head coach Pringles shocked the KBA world by starting Unicycle and Andytollah alongside NVE and BSR.  Both teams came out tight, exchanging wild volleys of turnovers and missed shots to start the game.  Ultimately, the personnel disadvantage and numerous missed open shots came back to haunt FC VH in a 13-9 loss.  In Game 2, Wah-Qaeda entered the starting lineup but Coach Pringles again proved to be unpredictable in keeping Andytollah on the floor.  FC VH again turned in a shockingly lackluster performance and dropped a second consecutive game.    

Now down 0-2, FC VH returned home in a must-win Double or Nothing game.  In spite of the desperate straits, FC VH again inexplicably came out flat and fell behind 18-6 at the end of the first quarter.  Faced with the prospect of the season ending in utter embarrassment, FC VH valiantly fought back to tie the game at halftime, then took a narrow lead by the middle of the third quarter.  However, down the stretch, FC VH's season-long weaknesses of defensive rebounding and lack of offensive balance were exposed at the worst possible time.  And despite it all, with just seconds to go at point all, BSR teed up a game-winning shot we've seen hundreds, if not thousands, of times over the past decade.  The KBA world had already scratched off the series-tying W for FC VH, when this happened:

http://youtu.be/m6V1-UraQAs?t=10m9s (skip to 10:09 in video below)

Afterwards, players and reporters alike spoke in whispers, in stunned disbelief that the season had ended in such ignominious fashion.  BSR quickly dressed without speaking to the media and was later seen speeding away in a non-tinted, baby-seated Honda Accord.  NVE sat alone long after the final buzzer, towel draped over his hunched shoulders, inconsolable that he had forgotten to book tickets to Cancun for the following morning.  Unicycle, seemingly in denial that the season was over, remained in the gym shooting airballs long into the night.  

FC VH now faces an offseason certain to be rife with uncertainty and scrutiny.  NVE entered the playoffs riding a two month hot shooting streak - yet when the lights shone brightest, the jumpers fell far too short, far too often.  Even worse, his defensive efforts on Ricky F in the deciding games, and the entire playoffs for that matter, was decidedly uneven.

Fellow KBA veteran BSR enjoyed a standout season both on and off the court, missing only 3 weeks of the season due to injury.  Nevertheless, Father Time remains undefeated in all matchups, and as BSR enters his 12th KBA season (10th season, sans gambling-related hiatus 2007-9), the usual questions regarding senescence and durability must remain.       

Team GM Kitch Mupchak will undoubtedly face criticism for assembling a supporting cast that looked at best, inconsistent, and at worst, completely overwhelmed.  Despite a solid if unspectacular performance in the 2nd round, Unicycle proved to be wildly unreliable on both ends of the floor through most of the season.  Andytollah and RG8 will both go home with hardware, following the first ever tie in KBA Shietsman of The Year voting.   

Some positives will be taken away from Season XVI: winning records against Ricky F and SGJ, victory in the inaugural KBA Champions League, and the continued development of the FC VH playbook

But ultimately...

http://youtu.be/O8GOGAqw-QQ?t=6m2s (skip to 6:02 in video below)

FIFA 13 Bids Farewell

D Fischer scoring one of the closing goals for his FIFA 13 standout team, Ajax, in route to a 2-0 victory that was followed by a Deutch 2-0 win.  FCVH finished yet another dominating season of FIFA, hampered only by EA and its myriad asinine shortcomings.

BSR Holdout: Day 8

We interrupt this regularly scheduled KBA blog with an important note from KBA Party Chairman and High Grandmaster MBG:

"The KBA has the utmost regard for BSR's many years of service to the league. As the all-time league leader in 3-pointers, 3 point %, and days spent on the DL, we recognize his dedication and salute his contributions to the game. However, BSR's wonton disregard of the mandatory KBA "Play Through Pain" contract clause can no longer, and will not, be ignored. I hereby decree BSR to be in contempt of the KBA spirit; ex post facto, BSR is hereby immediately stricken from the KBA blog, and his records summarily attached with an asterisk. When [name redacted] chooses to step up and fulfill her obligation to KBA, we will welcome her back with open arms. I trust that this will serve as a reminder: nobody is bigger than the KBA." 

Life went on at the JM Arena (henceforth known as The 'Stache) as the KBA season reached its mid-season point. On one side, NVE joined forces with Wah-Qaeda, RG5, RG7, and It's Matt. Surely this was a force to be reckoned with, and would go on to form the next great KBA dynasty! Opposing them...

 

RG8?!
SGJ?!?!
Ricky F?!
It's Pat?!?!?
Jedi-Master?!?!

That's right KBA fans, exactly 5* players were present on the day that MBG thrust his iron fist into the labor dispute. Conspiracy theorists immediately suggested that this was a organized show of support for [name redacted], led by long-time running mate NVE. NVE denied any knowledge, shrugging and stating: "I was just planning to write his number on my shoe with a Sharpie." Reporters later noted that NVE's customary black shoes would effectively render any numerical tribute non-existent.

NVE and Wah-Qaeda paired up to take the first 5 games, before RG7 and It's Matt took the next three. Clearly suffering from delusions secondary to lactic acidosis, NVE then suggested the first ever KBA 2-on-2 full-court game. In a game that was best accompanied by a soundtrack of circus music, NVE/RG7 proceeded to defeat Wah-Qaeda/RG5 14-12.

Welcome to our newest feature, the KBA Poll of the Week!

Where in the world will [name redacted] be next week?!?!

KBA Champions League!!!

July 23, 2013 marked the oft-rumored and long-awaited inaugural KBA Champions League!  FC VH had qualified on the strength of last season's performance, but entered tournament play just 7-8 in the new KBA season.  Nevertheless, FC VH remained confident that the first month of the season would be salvaged with a strong showing. The rules were simple: 1) game to 14, 2) winner stays on, and 3) first team to 3 wins takes home the title!

The increased focus was evident early on, as BSR and Ricky F chose to forgo their customary weekly Taco 'n Burrito Review in lieu of an early shootaround.  As per the usual late-arriving KBA crowd, the festivities kicked off with some light 4-on-4, featuring NVE, BSR, Wah-Qaeda and Andytollah vs The Jedi-Master, Ricky F, It's Pat, and RG4.  The quorum was reached shortly thereafter when It's Matt and RG8 strolled in. Despite FC VH having 99 out of the available 100 Ping-Pong balls in the lottery, Ricky F casually scooped up It's Matt, leaving FC VH with 9 time defending Sports Illustrated Shietsman of the Year RG8.

It was a classically predictable move out of the Ricky F playbook - though not quite as obvious as "bulldoze left, fake with flailing right arm, go up and get stuffed".  As an aside, the KBA fans demand more comically ridiculous signature moves...how can we be expected to subsist merely on the occasional breakaway 10-foot fadeaway layup by The Jedi-Master or any shot attempt by Andytollah? One can only hope that Ricky F continues to "develop" his low post game.  But I digress.

As round-robin action got underway, undermanned FC VH was immediately installed as 200-1 underdogs by Vegas to win the title.  For every whirling dervish layup by Wah-Qaeda, there was Andytollah recoiling from the ball like a live grenade.  For every BSR dagger from downtown, there was RG8 fumbling away an uncontested pass.  But despite the onerous deadweight (pun intended? Yeah, we're looking at you Andytollah), FC VH somehow rode crisp ball movement and alert defensive rotations to a surprisingly easy victory in game 1, then held the court against EKE, Small Game James, RG3, RG6 and It's Matt.        

After the inevitable letdown in Game 3, NVE and BSR huddled up on the sideline to draw up some needlessly complicated plays that look great on paper, and only on paper.  Let's go to the TNT in-game microphone and take a look at their stratagem:

 

In the rematch against Team Ricky F, newly acquired Turbinator took the place of It's Matt.  Despite his 5 inch height disadvantage (7.5 inches sans turban), Turbinator called for the defensive assignment against BSR.  With the Hack-a-BSR in full effect and failing miserably, FC VH sprinted out to a 13-6 lead and seemed poised for another easy victory.

Then The Andytollah Show began.  First with this highlight:

Then this gem:

With the lead sliced to 13-12, NVE managed to remove his hands from around his neck to brick two straight jumpers.  Momentum had clearly switched jerseys; on the verge of a winless night, Ricky F dug deep and got into his defensive crouch:

With the game hanging in the balance, BSR eschewed the above constructed game plan, and called his own number from the Mamba playbook:

And with that glorious finish, FC VH capped off the 2nd most improbable run in KBA history (see: Coppin State) and hoisted the 1st ever KBA Champions League title!!!

The Comeback That Was

November 27th was a typical Wednesday in 1996: as typical as any day-before-Thanksgiving could be in the NBA.  The recipient of what was about to be the greatest gift in the NBA [in terms of comeback from the largest deficit] was a cast of part-time-Mormon characters led by Johnny Stockton, Jeff Hornacek, Karlicious Malone, and KBA-favorite Greg Ostertag.

After building a 36-point lead just before the halftime buzzer, the Bryant Stith-led Denver Nuggets and their new coach (Dick Motta; who had just replaced future Lakers coaching legend Bernie Bickerstaff after a mid-season firing) must have felt on top of the world, looking down on future Ajax FCVH coach, Jerry Sloan.

But, nay!  For what unfolded was the greatest comeback in NBA history: the Jazz erased a 36-point lead and won 107-103.

Fast forward to July 9th, 2013: a typical Tuesday at the KBA.  After some entertaining, yet grueling, games NVE and BSR were teamed up in a pivotal 5th match-up vs. Ricky F having split their first four games, 2-2.

After what was mostly a dominant 4-2 performance on the night, NVE and BSR's brigade had stumbled to a 2-2 draw against Ricky F.

This critical 5th game would decide more than just the outcome of a single game.

Ricky F's energized bunch jumped out to a commanding 18-10 lead.

Here is where the math comes in....

Say the typical NBA team scores 100 points per game.
Hence, in the KBA that night, the 21 point decision would equate to approximately 4.76 NBA points per KBA point.
Thus, an 18-10 lead would be pro-rated to an approximate 86 - 48 NBA lead.

The difference: 38 points.

That is what stood between NVE, BSR, Wah-Qaeda, Vujacician, Small Game James and the record books.

And with the sweet, swift strike of their proverbial big sticks, the underdogs turned the tide.  Defensive stop after defensive stop.  Rebound after rebound.  "No Threes!" cries after "No Threes!" cries carved out a spot in not only the KBA record books.... but July 9th, 2013 supplanted November 27th, 1996 as the night that witnessed the greatest comeback in NBA* history, capped by a 52-0 run, winning 100-86!

*Definition of "NBA" may vary depending on reader.

The Perfect Outing: Ajax

AJX 3
PSG 1
(Down 0-1)

AJX 2
MANC 0

AJX 5
REA 1

Season XVIX: Preseason Finale

One of the defining characteristics of KBA is the schedule, shall we say, irregularity.  KBA veterans have long grown accustomed to the scheduled gym closures every 6-8 weeks (along with the occasional UNscheduled gym lockout), most often pertaining to the following LAUSD reasons:

A) School testing/graduation

B) Gym "repairs"

C) Ummm...no reason?

D) Thanks for the $$$ suckas, now go fuck yourself

and of course, how could we forget the most frequently invoked reason...

E) Floor cleaning

As an aside, let the record show that over the past 11 years, a return to the John Martin KBA Arena after "floor cleaning" has invariably resulted in this:

So the fact that KBA had been on hiatus for the past two weeks (official reason: A; real reason: probably D) gave no reason for anyone to think anything was awry, other than raising the KBA "Beware! Shitty Games Ahead" Alert tonight ever-so-slightly at Defcon 3.  

So it turned out to be just another mundane night at KB....what the?!?!

NEW FLOORS!!!  Gleaming, non-dusty, bona fide actually-stop-when-you-want-without-sliding-3-feet floors!!!  

Based on this development, the KBA "Beware! Shitty Game Ahead" Alert remained unchanged at Defcon 3.  

As action got underway (7:19, post-DC), NVE was joined by Shahe Vujacic, It's Matt, Wah-Qaeda and Otto.  However, in a devious draft day deal just seconds before tipoff, the Andytollah quickly and unilaterally traded RGIII and an expiring contract for Otto.  Therefore, RGIII joined the aforementioned foursome against Ricky F, Otto, It's Pat, Andytollah, and Hairy Harry.  A half-hearted appeal from The Vujacician was quickly and summarily denied by the Andytollah.  In an unrelated note, The Vujacician mysteriously disappeared during halftime of Game #1; he was later found at a local hospital after reportedly accidentally falling down 17 flights of stairs and landing on several misplaced lit cigarettes.  

Despite The Andytollah's efforts, Team NVE sprinted out to a quick lead behind crisp ball movement and the sharp-shooting of the Jedi-Master and RGIII, and never looked back in rolling to a 14-7 victory.      

In Game 2, Coach Ricky F displayed his tactical wizardry, going small and subbing in Switchblade, RG4 and Friend of Ricky F for It's Pat, Andytollah, and Hairy Harry.  What happened next, Coach? 

14-0, bitches.  Highlighted by a hard NVE stuff + recovery of a Ricky F jumpshot.  Punctuated by a Ricky F ball kick against the wall.

Sadly, large-scale team realignment occurred following a Game #3 loss, with NVE joining Ricky F, RGIII, RG4 and Friend of Ricky F in holding the court for the rest of the night and answering the long-debated philosophical question: "When does winning feel like losing?"

Next week: The Return of BSR!!

KBA-UFC: Ricky F'ian vs Shahe Vujacician

It was 14 days in the making.  The bloodshed.  The flying fists of death.  The whining.  Oh, the whining.

Having showed up 15 minutes early, I was delighted to find the LAUSD scoutmaster painting her nails in her car.

"This door?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said, as she rolled down the window.

It's on, I thought to myself.  Not only was this the weekly cathartic "it's on" as in "oh, thank goodness they will let us pay $10,000 a year to play basketball on these courts."  It was an "it's on" like the 13-year-old BSR used to think when watching a Mike Tyson Pay-Per-View fight on TV.

It. Was. On.

The doors flew open, I was in the gym solo.  Nice.  Time to practice some free throws.

Not too long until, suddenly, in comes the champ: Shahe effing Vujacician.

With a wide grin and speechless, I walked right up to him and shook his hand.  "Shame on you," I said with a congratulatory tone.  Shahe cracked a smile and started on an irritated tirade about how uncontrollable Ricky F'ian is.

"Did you resolve it?" I inquired.

"No, man.  He doesn't get it."  Said the Shoot-First-Ask-Questions-Later shooting guard.

I listened and nodded.  And the waiting began...  When will Ricky F'ian enter?  Before game one?  In the middle?  After?  NEVER?

As the night grew long, the few bodies trickling in allowed for only a 2-on-2 start: BSR/RG II (or III?) vs Vujacician/Al Qaeda.

After two dizzying games of three-point-shooting, multiple drives for layups, Olajuwan-esque post moves, and Nash-esque tear drips by BSR (yes, you read that correctly; don't adjust your Peruvian monitors), Vujacician was left saying "who is this BSR guy?"

But, really, why bore you with the game details.

It was all for naught.  Five more 5-on-5 games sans any evidence of Ricky F'ian.  The Ultimate Fight-ian was not bound to happen.

And, so we await another week.
We await the fury.
We await the clash... ian.

The day Ajax came back from a 2-0 and 3-1 deficit to go up 4-3 and force Arhenteena to quit

The Decision

What happened at KBA Week 3, you ask?




Okay, that's a bit much. Maybe it was more like this:




Not one to be content with a 1-5 night (translation: bitter loser), NVE immediately petitioned Andytollah to have Week 3 declared NULL AND VOID, on the basis of KBA Bylaws and Code of Conduct Section 501.3(b): "No KBA player shall participate in a sanctioned contest using sports equipment that has not been KBA-approved without prior explicit permission from the league commissioner."    

The item in question, as sported by Ricky F the entire night:

Ricky F filed an immediately counter-protest, maintaining that the device was merely a "shoulder compression sleeve". After 48 hours of deliberation and intense media scrutiny, independent arbitrator MBG ruled today: "In a thorough review of game tape, we cannot dispute that there were notable irregularities in gameplay. In particular, Ricky F's abrupt marked improvement in shooting accuracy and dramatic decrease in wild turnovers are without precedence in KBA history. This change coincides with the use of this device, which is not KBA-approved equipment. The preponderance of evidence suggests that this so-called shoulder compression sleeve functions as a performance enhancer." 


And with that, Week 3 is officially a RE-DO.

Sorry BSR, this never happened

The 2013 Comeback At Marshall

Perhaps the most difficult obstacle for a KBA team to overcome is age.  Squeaky joints. Old legs. Achy body parts.

But, no one will remember age when it comes to the Win-Loss column.  No one will care how old or slow you were.

It's all about the W.

This was the very mountain that an aging KBA team (NVE, BSR, It's Pat!, RG1, and S. Vujacic) were trying to climb on 1/15/2013.  Against younger bucks like Rajon Rondo and Taliban, the older KBA team was getting run out of the building, down 12-4 (Game Point: 14).  Surely marking the demise of the aged.

It's times like these when old knees surface:

All was but said and done.  The writing on the wall was as clear as the Earth being round, or the Sun rising in the East, or Lance Armstrong doping his way to wins (for those reading in 2015, this was big shocking news to some of the human species living in 2013). The waiting players were starting to stretch; the water fountain Legionella colony count was rising; and the refrigerator door was nearly closed, until...

...until the game was suddenly 12-8 and while the aged wonders were gaining steam and the nerves of the youngsters were starting to unravel like:

Defensive stop after defensive stop, the gap narrowed and the proverbial fridge cracked ever-so-slightly more open.

With no thanks to:

Or (for our Russian Viewers):

Or:

(For our German Viewer; seriously look at the Blog Stats for this week. So long, Korea!)

Country	Pageviews
United States	28
Russia	18
Germany	1

~ ~ ~  And now, back to our regularly scheduled blog ~ ~ ~

A fierce comeback in a flash tied the game at 12.  Surely the old men were out of gas and would succumb to father time.

But, alas, no!  The moment of truth was capped off by none other than NVE...

And the AARP REJOICED!

Perhaps this wasn't as skilled a shot as:

But, in a comeback that kept a strong FCVH 2013 season alive and a comeback that will live long in the seemingly-too-thick history books of the KBA, NVE gave us one win for the ages: a W.

We solute you, NVE.  

Be sure to check out: http://nickvanexel.weebly.com/

KBA 2K13!!

The final countdown     

Ohhh, it's the final countdown   

The final countdown   

The final countdowndowndowndowndown...

Yes loyal KBA fan(s), the KBA FINALLY returned to action after 28 days!  As the countdown clock hit all zeros, the KBA took the court with the final riffs of Europe fresh in their heads (and in BSR's case, iPhone).

Meanwhile, halfway around the globe in Kazakhstan, spirits were equally high in the season opener for the other KBA:



The energy level of the newly renamed Didier Drogba-Webo Friendship gym was predictably at an all-time peak after the long layoff.  In a highly unusual development, players opted to forgo the customary 27 minute warmup/dentistry conference and tipoff occurred at the record-setting time of 7:16.  Scheduled special guest Mike D'Antoni was a surprising no-show; in a statement later, his publicist apologized: "Mike was under the impression the season started on January 13th against the Cavs."

Playing the role of the 2000-1 Lake Show: NVE, BSR, It's Matt*, The Turbinator*, and Random Asian Guy 3* (aka RG3). Longtime KBA fans will surely remember RG1 and RG2, and their respective unforgettable legacies on the league. 

Playing the role of rotating Cannon Fodder that night: Wah-Qaeda, Shahe Vujacic, It's Pat, Andytollah, and the 3 Crop Circles*.  Why Crop Circles?  Because nobody knows where the fuck they came from.   

*Pending approval by KBA nomenclature committee, The Anti-Defamation League, and Agent Fox Mulder

When the Cannons went small, the Lake Show pounded them inside with It's Matt and BSR working the post and cleaning the glass. When the Cannons packed the paint, The Turbinator, RG3 and BSR bombed them into submission. Up-tempo or down-slow, the Lake Show was one step ahead ALL NIGHT LONG. With the seconds ticking down and both teams running on fumes, vaunted game-manager NVE-TD (Trent Dilfer) provided the final unexpected kick in the groin:





For those of you counting at home:

We're leaving together  

But still it's farewell  

And maybe we'll come back to earth, who can tell?  

I guess there is no one to blame  

We're leaving ground  

Will things ever be the same again? 

Pop quiz, hotshot...from whence does Europe hail?! 

A) The Whitesnake River
B) Hasselhoffeidelberg
C) Poughkeepsie, NY
D) Europe, Europe
E) Wait, the song says they're heading for Venus!  So...Venus?


Holy schibe!! These philosopher kings hail from the same country that gave us:

That last picture is a shameless attempt to boost our readership stats.  It's also for our loyal KBA blog fans in Russia and North Korea (it's a cold cold winter Vladimir and Kim Seo-Hyun...stay strong comrades)

28 Days Later...