Meet Evian!

After FCVH's most historic upset last night, the most popular Google search this morning is for "Evian."

Here are some of the best tidbits we have learned thus far:

• Despite their Swiss emblem they are in fact, French.
• In 2010, they won the Division 3 Championships, promoting them to Division 2.
• In 2011, they won the Division 2 Championships, promoting them to Division 1.  Folks, they are like Cal State Bakersfield playing in division I NCAA basketball.
• Good informative team website (in English):  http://www.ligue1.com/club/evian-tg-fc
• They have a fat forward, who has a personal website to promote his awesomeness.
• It is obvious from the pictures below that their players carry pink pride all the way!

Now....

Are you...

Ready...

For a double take?

Yes. That is Zinedine Zidane. The greatest footballer of our generation.

So, who did the photoshopping?  No one... evidently he owns part of the team!!!

One last double take:

(yup, that's a chick)

And there you have it folks!  YOUR EVIAN FOOTBALL CLUB!

KBA Financial Rumors and The Return of the Broken Fingered Shooter

Due to three months of sporadic turnouts, Chris Mortensen of ESPN reports that KBA officials are in the planning stages of possible bankruptcy in June 2012.  The long-standing stellar Southern California Basketball league has been suffering from mixed turnouts in the recent past, including last night's 6-person show.

"They can't get enough people to commit and so they're gonna start planning for the worst," said Mortensen's un-named source.

BSR, the league's soon-to-be 10-year veteran, briefly met with reporters after last night's game.

"There is no truth to this bankruptcy issue.  It is true that we have not had great turnout for some time and have had to recruit from the lesser Wednesday night friends of Ricky F, but we are doubling our recruiting efforts and hope to have plenty of players come March," said BSR.

Mortensen's source claims that BSR is sugar-coating the fact that extra funding had to be used to re-new the current 4-month contract.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite rumors of bankruptcy swirling in the air, the KBA was back in action Tuesday night.  A six-person turnout saw the return of BSR, who played with buddy tape on his shooting index and ring fingers.

Andytollah took his natural lead role as GM and split the teams very very evenly:

Team White:  Taliban, Vujicic, Jekyll & Crap
Team Black:  Andytollah, Ricky F, and BSR

What the GM's team split failed to account for was that BSR had freaking buddy tape on his shooting hand and couldn't be a scorer, hence leaving Ricky F as the only scoring option (for readers at home who fail to realize the gravity of that error, please scroll back to the first KBA blogs and re-acquaint yourselves with Ricky F).

Before tip-off, elder statesman BSR suggested a best-of-seven series.  Everyone agreed.  And, with that, the games began:

(Scoring note: games were played up to 21; twos and threes; win by two).

Game 1: A complete blowout by Team White. Vujicic and Taliban (guarded by Andytollah and Ricky F, respectively) scored 19 of the 21 points.
Game 2: Repeat of Game 1. Same scoring line.  However, multiple instances of Andytollah being yelled at by Ricky F for not guarding Vujicic--who scored a team high 12 points.

Up to this point, BSR is limited to (trying to set) picks, (trying to create) assists, (trying to collect) rebounds.
As the series shifted to Team Black's home court, coach Ricky F stepped in with his highly sophisticated defensive adjustments:  "Guys. Guys. We need to switch on D.  Guys. I'll take Vujicic, guys. BSR, you take Taliban, guys. Andytollah, guys, you stick Jeckyll & Hyde."

You know what comes next:

Game 3: Vujicic rips off 17 points--seventeen points!!!--as Team White leads 19-9.  (To put this in NBA terms; Ricky F allowed his man to score an NBA equivalent of EIGHTY points).

You don't know what comes next:

None other than Ricky F went on a 12-0 absolute tear, running Vujacic ragged in a monstrous comeback effort to lead Team Black to a win!  Series 2-1 in favor of Team White.

Game 4: After a simple defensive switch by Team White, sending Taliban to guard Ricky F, the Ricky F scoring plummeted.  So, feeling compelled to shoot, BSR hit shot after shot after shot after shot, causing even one of his buddy tapes to fall off.  The rout was on and Game 4 went to Team Black: 21-7.  Series tied at 2.

Games 5 and 6: Except for a brief push in the middle of game 6, Team Black was unstoppable.  Andytollah had multi-rebound and multi-point games.  Both BSR and Ricky F hit multiple NBA range threes.  A 4-game tear left Team Black with a 4-2 series win.

Game.
Set.
Match.

And that is how we witnessed the return of the broken fingered shooter.

Ladies and Gentlemen...one more time: Greg Ostertag!

Without further ado, here is NVE's #1 clip, capping off this historic day of Ostertag0rama.

All I can say is: Can we hire the announcer in the very last clip immediately for Fox West Sports?

http://www.casttv.com/video/051sg01/greg-ostertag-video

Now, I don't speak Spanish, but I think he manages to encapsulate the Greg Ostertag Era perfectly as the video fades out...

We Love Ostertag: Let Me Count the Ways

You know who he is.  You remember his size.  His height.  His goofy smile. His pasty (to say it mildly) skin color. His permanent crew-cut.

In a sense, Greg Ostertag was the Utah Jazz: goofy, annoying, not athletic, and.... well, white.

A Utah Jazz? But, we hate the Jazz. True, but we love Greg Ostertag.

Why? The answer is complex.

It's not because he has his own fan page on Facebook.
It's not because he has his own fan page on YouTube.
It's not because he can('t) dance (see prior blog post).

It's not because he has been on a magazine cover (sort of).
It's not even because he let Shaq slap the shit out of him.

Greg, we love you.  

We know....  You were, in essence, the greatest 6th man the Lakers ever had.

No video can fully do justice, but..

...no other Laker player in history has had been responsible for a greater possession:

What, at first, looks like a shared rebound with a half-foot shorter teammate, turns out to be:

-A steal for Derek Fisher

-An uncontested hook shot by Shaq

-A rebound by Rick Fox (despite your 8-inch taller stature: this is like Shahe outrebounding me)

-And, last but certainly not least -- your specialty -- getting absolutely POSTARIZED (Bully-style) by Shaq.

Thank you, Greg.

We'll always remember you as the catalyst to the Laker highlights that you have always been.

Consistent.

Dependable.

Postarizable.

Always.

You may not see it, but there is a double-zero Utah Jazz jersey hanging at Staples.  And, just like you with a white coat on... it's camouflaged.  

We Salute You, Greg Ostertag

Ready for more? Me neither.

Ever touched something and then realized waaaay too late that it's
something gross? Enter: slow motion sequence where you think "hey,
what's that squishy feeling?", look down and realize that the object
sticking to your hand is actually {fill in the blank], then throw up a
little in your mouth while you look for something, ANYTHING to wipe
your hand. Then you wash your hand for the next 10 minutes, douse it
in alcohol, use sandpaper to file down the top two layers of skin, do
everything but light your freaking hand on fire..but you still feel
like your hand is dirty?

Get ready to feel that feeling over your whole body:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6M58CP_YrI

No, your eyes do not deceive you. In fact, if your eyes are not
burning, go ahead and watch it again...I know I did. After which, I
promptly vomited. Twice.

What in the name of Mark Madsen was THAT?! And shouldn't that mess on
his left leg be biopsied?

Think about this clip the next time you really, really, really need to throw up.

#1 to follow...

It's Greg Ostertag Day!

So just to recap: in honor of Greg Ostertag's impending triumphant return to the NBA ( http://www.nba.com/dleague/news/ostertag_legends_q_and_a_2011_12_29.html), NVE and BSR are submitting their favorite Ostertag video of all time, where it will be commemorated in the KBA blog and probably go straight to the National Library of Congress and translated into 110 languages.  

Okay okay, I know the contest was the SINGLE best Ostertag video.  But try as I might, there is just too much good stuff out there...TOO MUCH I SAY!  So I cheated...sue me.  I know a comedy gold mine when I see one.  It's all Ostertag, all day baby.  Is it only fitting that today is Friday the 13th?  

So without further ado, here is #3 of Ostertag-palooza

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9ajk9JnJtg

This one snuck into the top 3 on the sheer strength of production value.  I imagine some 40s-ish Utah Jazz fan in his basement, wearing John Stockton shorts and a tweed sport coat game-worn by Jerry Sloan procured off Ebay, lovingly putting together this montage while making wistful sighs all the while: "Those were the days...they just don't play basketball like that these days! [sobs]"  The only thing better than the video production is the accompanying soundtrack.  WHAT?!  You say Greg Ostertag and Barry White DON'T go together...bite your tongue!!!!  

A couple other observations: 

1) Jeez, Jazz fans...we get it.  You hate the Lakers pretty much as much as you hate the Taliban, and you looked for every possible highlight against the purple and gold to put in this video.  I'm surprised the three Kobe airballs from the 1997 playoffs aren't included here.  

2) Stockton, as much of a little shit (sorry, Mama Beheshti, if you are reading this...welcome to the KBA blog!!) as he is...was the man.  Seriously, he made Greg Ostertag look good, if only for a few moments here and there.  That alone would have gotten him into the Hall of Fame.  I wonder what he could have done with Kwame Brown, but I digress.    

3) Notice that all of Ostertag's "highlights", especially on defense, come against the biggest collection of sorry-ass stiffs you'll ever see.  I have, in no particular order: Elden Campbell (total goaltending, by the way), Vitaly Potapenko, Anthony Mason, BRYANT "BIG COUNTRY" REEVES, we even have a Laker Samaki Walker sighting, for God's sake!!!!  Even more pathetic is the cheap "block" on the guy (Antoine Walker?) who's collapsing to the ground and throwing the ball up just to avoid a travel.

Check out the 2nd comment under top comments section...that about sums up my experience while watching this video.

Well, there you have it...#2 to follow.

Kobe's KBA-esque performance

We interrupt this regularly scheduled KBA blog for an update on LAL vs DEN 1/1/12:

So many things went well, at least as well can expected on the 2nd leg of a back-to-back in Denver, where the Lakers usually suck.  

-Bynum was again, HUGE.  A tough and physical presence inside.  Strong defense without too many stupid fouls.

-Pau, for a change, looked comfortable.  Aggressive even, at points, especially on several nifty inside pivots that resulted in a couple layups and [gasp] even a dunk.  He even threw in a no-hesitation, confident driving left-handed layup in the fourth quarter.  He seems to have settled into that mid-post range on offense, providing high screens and staying available for pick-and-pop jumpers or ball rotation.  His ability to stretch the defense gives Bynum room to operate down low while pulling his help defender away from the basket.  It gives the Lake Show a bit of the Duncan & Robinson twin towers look.  If I'm Mike Brown, I tell Pau: If you catch the ball facing up within 18 feet and the defender is more than an arm's length away, I want you to shoot it EVERY TIME.

-Blake threw in a few daggers from the corner.  He looks MUCH more comfortable shooting and taking the ball to the hoop.  

-Overall rugged defense on a team that is much younger and faster than the Lakers, and sneaky athletic

So on a night when the Lakers got 20 and 10 from both big men, solid bench contributions from Blake and MWP, how did it go wrong?  In a word: Kobe absolutely, unequivocally cost the Lakers the game.  

If you're wearing the purple and gold and walking off the floor, how do you walk into that locker room and not at least be thinking, WHAT THE F?!  I don't care if the name on the back of your jersey says Bryant, Jordan, Shuttlesworth or J.H. Christ...no one has the cache to excuse a game like that.  On what planet is taking 28 shots when you're shooting shit-bricks all night long acceptable?  ESPECIALLY when your center, who is fresh off a 30 point performance and kicking ass again, gets 12 shots total?!  Most shocking of all was the completely horrendous, inexcusable lapses of judgment: shot selection (of mostly long jumpers), constantly dribbling into corners and double-teams, wild cross-court passes, and worst of all...getting beat back on defense AT LEAST three times in the 4th quarter alone because he was bitching and waving his arms at the refs.   

Try this one on for size: Andrew Bynum is more important to Laker success than Kobe Bryant (more on that later).  There, I said it.  It's borderline blasphemy, but it's also true.  The Lakers need Bynum to dominate, and need Kobe to be Paul Pierce (ugh...that felt dirty saying that, but it's true).  Okay, maybe it's just two games and I need to step away from the ledge.  But these two games are further evidence that giving Bynum LO's shots and minutes was the first priority, regardless of what we got back in a trade.  While Bynum wasn't going up against Howard or Perkins, that Denver front-line is no pushover--and keep in mind, Bynum still isn't in top game shape.  Bynum is reaching the stage where he probably needs to touch (not necessarily shoot) the ball on most possessions.  His low-post game is becoming surprisingly refined, and he gets easy buckets in a way that Kobe just doesn't anymore.  He creates havoc that puts the opposing big men in foul trouble and opens the floor up for his teammates.  When Kobe gets the ball, it is, more often than not, the same old story: isolate, jab-step, stutter-step, spin or fade away as the shot clock runs down...all the while his teammates look on vapidly, usually from the other side of the court.  For God's sake, the two most effective players in the game (Pau and Bynum) barely got a sniff of the ball in the last three minutes, while Kobe puts his hand up and initiates the offense 25 feet from the basket.  For the love of RIcky F, how is that smart basketball for somebody who has the reputation as one of the (supposedly) smarter players in the game?

Yes, sometimes Kobe pulls his wizardry and the ball goes in and we oooh and aahh.  But that is winning a battle at the expense of losing the war.  How many empty possessions do we get for one basket?  More importantly, it completely takes the Lakers out of any offensive flow--I don't think it's coincidence that most of Kobe's misses are one-and-done.  Who wants to do the dirty work under the basket when your leader is having his personal "I'm Keith Hernandez" moment ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=I'm%20Keith%20Hernandez) 20 times a game?  Ultimately, it will erode any sort of trust and teamwork that Mike Brown is clearly trying so hard to build.  Bad enough to undermine the team on the offensive side of the ball, but it carries over to the defensive side, where trust and teamwork are infinitely more important.  Andrew Bynum is the Lakers most integral defensive player and best rebounder--screw what he does on offense, THAT alone might make him the most important Laker.  

Only Kobe knows what was going on tonight.  Perhaps it was an old gunslinger just trying to shoot his way out of a slump.  Or maybe it was a proud veteran who sees the start of a changing of the guard and was trying too hard to, if for one night, stave off the inevitable.  Now, the Lakers obviously need Kobe, and Kobe can still be KOBE BRYANT in spurts.  But there's an increasing disconnect between what Kobe does and what Kobe THINKS he can do.  What's clear is what Kobe definitely can do: single-handedly take the Lakers out of the game when it matters most.  That's something that, even for all his maddening inconsistencies, even Lamar Odom never really did because he was never THE MAN on the floor.  We saw it happen in the Chicago game, we saw it tonight, and it's only a matter of time before we start seeing it even more unless somebody slaps his stubborn hand and gives him a reality check.  Who will it be...D-Fish?  Mike Brown?  More likely, it will Bynum himself.  For his youth, Bynum isn't afraid to boldly state his desire to dominate, and isn't above showing his frustration or speaking his mind when his teammates miss a defensive assignment or when he feels like he's being reined in...hmmm, sound familiar? 

Maybe it was just the tough defense of Afflalo, or maybe Kobe just had a few bad games.  I just can't help but see the delicious irony of it all, and worry that it won't eventually turn into something altogether too familiar.  Shaq famously said: "If you want the big dog to guard the house, you gotta feed the big dog."  Could this be Shaq-Kobe redux...only this time, the roles are reversed, and we'll see if Old Kobe remembers what it felt like to be Young Kobe.