NVE and the NKBA Commish

With the stinging memory of his ignominious exit last week, NVE headed off to NKBA fully determined to stay cramp-free the entire night.  After arriving 10 minutes early to do some cursory stretching and get some pre-game airballs out of the way, the door opened and in walked the NKBA commissioner, eeriely reminiscent of this (in a 48 year old 5'5" Asian sort of way):

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3146/2593639839_19f7af104a.jpg

NVE: Hi

Commish: Oh, I didn't know you were coming

NVE: Ken said it was okay to come, and that he'd let you know

Commish (not making eye contact): I need to know if people are coming.

NVE: Oh sorry, if you guys are full, I don't have to run

Commish: I just need to know if people are coming

Yikes.

Come gametime (after 9 of us waited around for 15 minutes waiting for a 10th to show up), NVE weighed the pros/cons of pulling a symbolic Ricky Eff and leaving, but decided to head over to Commish to put in his $5 pay-to-play.

NVE: Thanks for letting me play

Commish: Ok.  And by the way, you carry the ball.  People will call that

Double yikes.  You know who I miss right now?  http://lahrdc.com/assets/staffimages/rastegar.jpg

A suitable monikor for the afforementioned NKBA Commish is pending.

Joining NVE: PB&J (Persian Burper in Jorts...although no jean shorts this time, but sporting cargo shorts), Asian Short Round #1, Asian Short Round #2, and a bull-like power forward Chinese guy wearing goggles and possessing a beautiful mid-range set shot from the elbows in.  He's not Korean, but I shall call him (C)Ho-Grant.  As the game got underway, NVE decided that he would stay under the radar; perhaps he had been a little too aggressive the week before and rubbed people the wrong way.  On the 3rd possession, NVE took the ball on a outlet and headed down court on a 2v2 break at full speed.  Who should stand in his way, but the Commish.  The thought crossed NVE's mind...you know what's coming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7Er_-XZW4E

Rather than utilizing his 40 lb weight advantage to re-enact NVE v Ron Pham's nose (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_-DSk2dwUb04/S_rLsBrBgWI/AAAAAAAABCo/dwjXwMM1GdE/s1600/nash-broken-nose-1.jpeg), NVE settled for a floating layup and jogged back downcourt via the higher road.  The rest of the game (to 20 this week, by twos and threes...apparently they just pick a random number to play to week?!) and evening, for that matter, was wholly unremarkable, filled mostly with a flurry of mid-range shots by Cho Grant.  However, the night did end on a high note, with something very similar to this: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzteG9-a_AA 

Here's a handy translation chart:

Randy Foye = Asian Short Round #1

Blake Griffin = NVE

Chris Kaman = PB&J

10 enormous black guys on the court = 10 Asian midgets

60 foot pass = 10 foot pass

Dunk = Layup that just barely made it over the rim

40 inch vertical = 4 inch vertical

2 defenders in paint = 1 defender with half a foot in the paint

Graceful landing = Landing with an ass-plant

Look for the highlight, coming soon to an And1 mix tape.

Conversations From the Trenches...

One of the more frisky nights in KBA history:  August 16, 2011.

What follows are unedited excerpts, listed chronologically:

7:26pm

Andytollah: Guys, there are too many unpaid players here (16 total; 4 unpaid).  For tonight and tonight only, we'll let it go.  But, starting next week, we'll have to cap it.  Right now, we only have enough spots for 3 more people.  There are 4 of you here who have not paid.  Up to you how you decide.  Maybe you should shoot for it.

7:56pm

[Waiting for next with Dewey and The Mole]

The Mole: See that?

BSR: What?

The Mole: [pointing at Ricky F] He missed the shot and he's not even running back on D.

Dewey: I can't stand that.

BSR: Yeah, but he always does that.

Dewey: I just can't stand that guy.

8:15pm

[The Mole gets fouled on a drive to the basket]

The Mole: Foul.

Taliban: Bullshit.

The Mole: Dude, Taliban, you were hanging all over me.

Taliban: Don't fucking point at me dude.

The Mole: Hanging all over me.

Taliban: Don't fucking point, dude.

8:31pm

[On the sidelines, waiting for next]

BSR: Hey, let me ask you guys something.

The Mole and EKE: Ok.

BSR: Andytollah is probably the worst player here. He even knows it.  But, if you had to pick between Andytollah and Ricky F, who is the worst pla... [cut off by EKE's next line]

EKE: Ricky F; oh, hands down.

The Mole: Oh yeah. No question.

BSR: Really?

The Mole: Andytollah at least tries most of the time.

EKE: There is no question.

BSR: You thin....[cut off]

EKE: Give me Andytollah any day.  I can play with him.  No doubt.

The Mole: It's not even a question.

BSR: I'm glad you guys agree; I'll have to report this to NVE.

8:40pm

[About to start last game of the night]

The Mole: I'm guarding Taliban.

BSR: You sure?

The Mole: I'm guarding Taliban.

BSR: I think you should guard Blake Griffin.

The Mole: I'm guarding Taliban.

8:44pm

[After Taliban does his patented drive, stop and scoop underneath shot, scoring on The Mole]

Taliban: Bitch

The Mole: [speechless]

8:47pm

[Taliban at the 3-point line tries to cross The Mole over and gets intentionally fouled hard]

Taliban: [charging The Mole] What the fuck bitch?

The Mole: Call the foul

Taliban: Don't fucking do that again.

The Mole: Just call the foul

[more cursing as Ricky F and BSR have to separate the two]

8:50pm

[After Taliban makes same scoop underneath move and gets the ball rejected out of bounds]

The Mole: [with a staredown] Get that weak shit outta here.

---END TRANSMISSION

The Return

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBsLxqH-0bQ

Yawn.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QStx8GklKQg

Weak sauce.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y8Wb0ujP40

Uhhhh...huh?

 

 

YEAH!!!

 

Yes folks, the rumors are true.  Last night, after an unexpected last minute call, NVE made his NKBA debut after a 61 day holdout.  In a pregame press conference, NVE stated: "I am disappointed to fall a mere 736 days short of BSR's record of longest stint on the inactive list.  However, I have used this time wisely to pursue my dreams of becoming a professional FIFA gamer.  But I conquered that mountain the moment we opened that can of whoop-ass on Spain.  So I figure it's about time I start playing ball again.  But one thing...I play, Coach stays.  Coach goes, I go."  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Tb4g4psb38

A buzz filled the arena as NVE took the court...or was that just the air conditioning?  Nobody knew what to expect...least of all NVE himself.  The court was a veteran-laden group (mostly 40+ crowd), with an international flavor (94.3% Asian), and brimming with a cerebral grasp of the game (6 feet and under, and nobody can jump > 6 inches).  The games?  Gloriously devoid of any semblance of Ricky Eff.  NVE was immediately matched up with the other "young guy", coincidentally one of two token non-Asians (the other being the gentlemen of unidentifiable ethnicity...possibly Persian...who was fond of burping loudly everytime he entered the lane, leaving a lingering cloud of noxious fumes from a half-digested dinner, also of unidentifiable ethnicity).  He also played in jean shorts, which boggles the mind.  Seriously, get a pair of basketball shorts for $7.99 at Target, your crotch will thank you.  In spite of that, he wasn't a bad player (think: Nigel Gupta)...but I digress. 

 

As the game tipped off, NVE made an immediate impact by shooting the gap and coming up with a steal 10 seconds into the game.  One could surmise what was going through his mind, probably something along the lines of "Muahahahahhahaha, I am better than you fools!  I am faster than you sloths!  I am.."  Which was promptly followed by NVE blowing the wide-open breakway layup, kinda like this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PRxw16zsfM   Ahhhhh...so nothing has changed.  

 

NVE wiped off the rust to play a decent game, finishing the game with 4 points (on 2-6 shooting), 3 assists, and FOUR steals.  Unfortunately, at 16-16 (NKBA rules: playing to 18 with 2s and 3s...18?!?!), NVE ignored the pleas of his teammates to not force it, and tried to zip a pass into the lane, which was tipped away and led to the game-winning bucket at the other end.

 

Undeterred, NVE took the court for the 3rd game of the night, and looked for inspiration:  http://www.football-wallpapers.com/wallpapers3/pato_1_1280x1024.jpg

His team promptly surged to a 14-12 lead on the strength of a scintillating performance by NVE (5-7 shooting, 2 dimes).  On game point (now playing to 15...don't ask), NVE split two defenders at the top of the key and soared in for the game-winning finger roll...and promptly fell out of the sky like he'd been shot by a sniper.  Yes, the cramps did in NVE and that was the end of the night.

 

All in all, a rather ignominious ending to a halfway decent return to the hardwood for NVE.

 

Stay tuned for future episodes of NVE and the NKBA!

The 3rd

While it has long been known that the weakest link on the court is one Andytollah, Ricky E (who still splits teams up by "matchup," splitting himself and Rony!?!) has joined the ranks as the 2nd weakest link.

Out of nowhere, we have competition. Blatant passes to the wrong team; boxing out his own team-mates; trying to steal the ball from his own team; never really knowing (obviously) who is on his team; constantly forgetting to cover his guy (because, again obviously, he's not sure if they are on the same team); and many more blunders to follow.

So, while the KBA fans have only heard of this entity (who, by the way, Ricky E calls "CP3").

We have finally found footage of the one they call Jekyll & Crap.

He is real He exists. And, he is the 3rd weakest link.

You can run. But, you can't Hyde (couldn't resist).