Escape from Mordor

When late word arrived of NVE being scratched (DNP-Coach Max's Decision), the capacity crowd of 2 quickly dissipated in anticipation of another disappointing outing by FCVH.

The 19-18 record (0.514; 10th place vs 2014 NBA WC Standings) in KBA EPL's fourth season was the worst in its short history and with only a few games left had the boys from FCVH dangerously close to being shamefully eliminated.

Again a late-comer, BSR entered the arena and quickly realized that this was no regular night for the KBA.  The teams assembled had turned the John Martin Legen-waitforit-dary Court into the hellish Mordor.

The team of Ricky F, Uni, RedShit, The Hobbit were pitted against Matt, Jedi Master, Beard Papa, and Carry McTraveller. 

It was unreal.

Three point shot after three point shot reigning down. Rebound after rebound snatched up by the evilly overmatched ones. With little effort, the Mordorians made mincemeat of the Ricky F led unit in a game that seemed like 45-0 when it ended.

With barely a chance to dribble the ball even once, BSR was "next."

Adding some late-arrivals the teams were "evenly split" as follows:

Team Mordor: Matt, It's Pat, Shahe, Beard Papa, and Carry McTraveller.
Team Hobbits: Ricky F, Uni, BSR, RedShit, and The Hobbit

This was it. Into the pits of hell we went...

12-2.

Yep.

Before anyone could blink, it was 12-2 and the Hobbits were gasping for air.  After calling on the ring, though, the Hobbit defense awoke. What was this? Ricky F boxing out?!  RedShit putting a hand up to contest? Uni not switching at random? Two BSR threes later, it was 12-8. Not winnable, but respectable.  

But, the lockdown defense by the Hobbits was suffocating and The Mordorians were not scoring again. 

In fact, the 2 fair weather fans that left missed perhaps the most remarkable comeback in KBA history: one to rival Coppin State's Legen-waitforit-dary game. 

Final score. 12-14 to the Hobbits. 
History was re-written.
Mouths were agape.
It. Had. Happened.

Dejected, the Mordorians quickly regrouped. In the next game, they quickly flew out to a 7-0 lead. But, alas, these be Hobbitses!

Final score. 11-14 to the Hobbits.
History was being written.
Mouths were agape.
It. Was. Happening.

Next game. Mordorians led 11-8.
Final score. 11-14 to the Hobbits.
History was shattered.
Mouths were agape.
It. Was. Real!

The night that unfolded will be one that many will not be soon forgotten.

Overall record: 5-0.
The Hobbits had iced Mordor.
It. Had. Happened.

Carry McTraveller won quote of the night as we walked off: "you guys totally dominated us."

What, one might ask, was the reason for this unlikely outcome?

Don't be fooled. There were plenty of BSR misses. Plenty of one-on-five jacked up fade aways by (no, not Ricky F) The Hobbit to make you vomit.  There were dozens of unforced turnovers by RedShit. Ricky F was Ricky F, though with a relatively stellar shooting percentage in the teens.  On at least three occasions, Uni was caught looking away from the play WHILE running a 3 on 1 fast break resulting in pass hitting the back of his wide open head.

None of that mattered. Because this will forever be etched in the Hobbitses brains: 5-0 vs Mordor.

But the real reason for the domination was perhaps best stated by one Patrick James Riley: defense.

Utterly dominant, demoralizing defense.

The night that could help pave the way for FCVH's much-needed resurrection did end with some entertaining twists.

In the final game (the injury game), The Hobbit "jammed" his finger and proceeded to freak out to the point of uncontrollable tremors of his left hand. After a normal exam and attempt to calm his teammate by the one they call BSR, it was revealed that The Hobbits uses his handses for his monies.

"What doth you do, Hobbitses?"

"Why, I plays the guitarses."

As it became quickly evident that this was no ordinary H o b b i t. (Editor's note: Each letter in the preceding "Hobbit" is a unique link. Proceed in order for maximal enjoyment).

KBA Memories: Origins

NVE and BSR, the legends of the KBA, weren't always the historic figures they are today. They had to earn their stripes in the early 2000s.

In this edition of KBA memories, we look at the lead-up to their being dubbed NVE and BSR: the KBA knighthood that they both ultimately deserved.

[Note: Some names and details of these email messages have been altered to enhance make-sensedness and to protect the anonimity of those involved]

Email string starting Oct 27, 2006 and ending Dec 1, 2006

_________________________________________________

Artist now known as NVE wrote:

[Name of artist now known as BSR],

I think I managed to squeeze off 4 shots last time, but three of them were
off rebounds. On a couple of those rebounds, I saw Farhad wide-open
spotting up about 75 feet away, but I selfishly decided to go right back up.
Sorry for being such a ballhog.

I'm going start calling you BW, for being the new Ben Wallace (2 pts. 24
rebounds)

Signed,
[Colloquial non-KBA licensed nickname of Artist now known as NVE]

_________________________________________________

Artist now known as BSR wrote:

BW,

Just for the record, I did NOT have 24 rebounds... I think you had 20 of them and I had 4.  So, it's more like 2 points, 4 rebounds for me.

Signed,
KB
(you can figure that one out... and, no, it's not Kobe)

_________________________________________________

RH (aka BSR)

Who needs KB when we got ME (Maurice, that is).  Now, do you still want to trade my boy Andy Bynum for a washed-up head-case like Artest?

What a game--caught the 2nd half after ball. 

We actually played on the good court since the other side had a complete no-show.  Had 9 people show...surpassed our combined shot total last week by 7:18 tonight.  

The two Slavas weren't there this week.  

RF 

_________________________________________________

  

Foxie

It was a great game.  You know we were down by 19?!
I can't believe we beat the Suns with THIS lineup!

Good to hear bball was a bit more... balanced.

I'll summarize my Bynum response with this anecdote:
*Down the stretch in the 4th quarter, on a play where Bynum was posting up, I stood up and yelled "Give Bynum the fucking ball!"

BSR

_________________________________________________

  

Email dated Dec 1, 2006:
(First official notation of the "NVE" and "BSR" names; submitted to Library of Congress; work order #789664546448-011)

AL (aka NVE)

I hope you watched that 3rd quarter vs. the Jazz... Kobe was just sick.  That is probably the best single quarter performance I'll ever see!

MB (aka BSR)

p.s.  Did we go like 2-4 last Tuesday in hoops?  UNacceptable.

   

BSR: Wherefore Art Thou?

In what has become an all-too-familiar sight, KBA superstar BSR has once again gone AWOL in what many speculate is a thinly veiled attempt to renegotiate his existing contract.  BSR's recent 2 year extension, reportedly worth $48.5 million, was signed just last season as FC VH desperately fought to retain the face of the franchise amidst three consecutive playoff collapses and whispers of rebuilding.  The deal was heavily criticized around the league as hampering the team's flexibility in an attempt to attract new talent to the rapidly aging roster.  Also frustrating to many FC VH fans was BSR's repeated pattern of mysterious ailments and circumstances, some of which often coincide with demands for contact renegotiations.  Let's look back at a history of BSR's prolonged absences (and "official" listed reasons for absence):

2003: 30 day rehab for unspecified substance addiction (perhaps cash?) 

2004: KBA Thrive Cafe scandal - league suspension

2005: "Slap Heard Round the World" - facial injury in shape of female right hand

2007-09: Back injury, though widely suspected to actually be gambling related league suspension

2011: Fasting for Ramadan during short-lived dalliance with Islam and jersey change to Farookh Muhammed Al-BSR

2013: Chikungunya and/or Lassa fever

2014: Paternity leave

Amid the growing backlash and negative attention on social media (#B$$$R, #Can'tSpellBitchWithoutRingsWithoutBSR), BSR was quick to release a slickly produced video featuring a small individual which he identified as a newborn son.  Yet in somewhat contradictory fashion, his agent Max later released an official statement, claiming BSR's absence was related to a severe case of salpingitis which would require further rehab and platelet-infused hysteroscopy in Germany.

Editorial note: One cannot deny BSR's stature and place in the annals of KBA history.  However, when it comes to his KBA Hall of Fame candidacy, one wonders whether his multiple absences will impact what would otherwise be a first-ballot HoF career.  It was once said that the three most important attributes of a KBA superstar are "The Three A's: Availability, Affability, and Ability." BSR clearly has 2 of the 3 check-marked, as KBA's all-time leader in points, 3PT, 3PT%, 3PT missed, turnovers and sideline deep tissue massages, and as the reigning 6 time winner of the Lady Henry Peng Trophy for gentlemanly play.  But will the first (and arguably most important) A, stand in BSR's destiny of a pewter/aluminum alloy bust in 4950 Sunset?  Only time will tell.  

In the absence of their longest tenured player, KBA continued on with the perfect turnout of 10 players!  Ummmm…check that.  That's 10 players.  Total.  Over TWO weeks.  The clear highlight was Week #1 3 on 3 action, featuring NVE joining forces with Ricky F and Unicycle in the first ever display of one man zone defense.   

Post-game in the locker room, NVE was seen quietly passing around a hat and collecting money from fellow KBA players.  On the surface, it appeared that NVE was taking the initiative to raise funds and help meet BSR's new exorbitant contract demand for a private carriage drawn by purple and gold unicorns to and from games.  However, our investigative reporters have uncovered: it appears NVE is spearheading a $3000 campaign to replace BSR...with the ORIGINAL BSR?!?!?!?!

http://www.thuzio.com/robert-horry.html

KBA Memories: "I'm Back (From My Back)!

5 Years Ago, On This Day in KBA History:

Dateline: Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Found this on HoopsHype:

Much speculation surrounds the rumored return of legendary Kaiser swingman M Beheshti to the hardwood courts after a two year absence.  Beheshti's absence dates back to 2007 from what seemed to be, at the time, a seemingly innocuous back injury sustained without direct contact.  Despite the valiant efforts of team trainer Peter Taylor who performed an emergency deep tissue sensual massage on the sidelines, Beheshti limped out of the gym that night like a three-legged cow and disappeared like a fart in the wind.

Like a fabled mythical creature, the Persian sharp-shooter has only been seen in brief glimpses over the past two years and continuous speculation has swirled over his whereabouts.  Beheshti has been notoriously reluctant to speak to the media, but top sources reveal that he has rehabbing his back using a controversial regimen consisting of high-dose falafel.  Top orthopedic surgeons have been skeptical, stating that a back injury lasting two years could only be sustained by an baller with true athletic ability and a vertical leap of greater than two inches (link: McGrady, Tracy)  Other naysayers speculate that Beheshti lost his passion for the game and walked away to pursue other interests.  One teammate, who agreed to comment on the basis of anonymity, stated: "Let's be honest...after the greatest game in KBA history (the Coppin State game), and the greatest run in KBA history (UNC run), there really weren't any more challenges for the man.  He had done everything and every groupie in the KBA.  He needed a new challenge, and for him, that challenge was antibiotic stewardship."  Indeed, Beheshti has frequently been seen toiling as a low-paid peon in various medical facilities, where his duties often consist of examining rotting feet.  Conspiracy theorists have speculated that Beheshti's back injury was merely a front, and the real reason for his absence was a forced exile for gambling related league violations.  League commissioner M Goetz refused comment when contacted.

So the basketball world is once again abuzz with rumors.  Will Beheshti indeed return?  If so, will he return as a shadow of his former self, like former KBA stars who attempted returns (link: Pasheyan, Shahe)?  How will he respond to the first inevitable cheap shot to the back from fellow aging veteran and former Coppin State teammate A Lai?  Will he bow to the league's current fashion fad and return with the porn-stache, first popularized by the early KBA star John Martin?  

Only time will tell

Innovation Nation

James Naismith was the consummate American. 

Nope.  

He was actually Canadian.

But, he was certainly consummate.  And an innovator. Despite being Canadian, he came up with what is now called "basketball," earning himself a seat next to the likes of Thomas Edison and the Wright Brothers.

Ever heard of Frank Lindley?
High school coach in Kansas?
Early 1900s?
No?!

Of course not. But, trust me when I say his seat wasn't too far from Naismith's at the great Innovation Nation.

Why? He was (perhaps) the inventor of the Zone Defense.

A quick visit to Hooptactics.com might teach us the different types of Zone Defense.

The mighty and time-honored 2-3 zone.  Winner of multiple NCAA championships.

What's that? You are facing a high school team with lots of outside shooters?  Never fear, Lindley's got your back. Want to lock them down with old reliable? The 3-2 zone. Winner of numerous high school state titles.

We all know these facts. These are old news. All of them have been well-known and well-used since the early 1900s.  

Chamberlain, Kareem, Magic, Jordan, Bird, Shaq, Kobe, Lebron... they know these sets forwards and backwards.

The time has passed though. Innovation Nation is dead. Nothing new here.

Right?

Wrong.
Three words: Small. Game. James.

Ever heard of him?

No?!

Better check your Wikipedia, son!

Oh, what's that? He doesn't exist?
Boy, are you blind?
Have you not been reading the KBA blog for the past 36 years?  Are you not from North Korea or Russia?!

While you were busy playing Doom on your PS2, Small Game James was carving himself up a seat at Innovation Nation, son!

Awakening the sleeping giant that is the Zone Defense of basketball, a 2014 spark of genius in Small Game's brain created the next wave in Zone Defense: TMZ.

Never before heard of.
Never before thought of.
Never before tried.

The Three Man Zone.

The Three-Who-What?

So innovative that The Googles still doesn't know...

That's all they know?
That's all The Googles knows?

Not Small Game James.  He knows.

So, go ahead and etch his name on that seat at Innovation Nation.

Register that URL (TMZ.com), son! Quick, before anyone else get it. You're gonna be rich!

It's time to pay homage to the great TMZ!*

*Note: While the author's claims of the three-man zone being innovative are true in the strict sense of the word, it does not reflect the fact that the only time in history that the three-man zone was deployed in the Spring of 2014 led to absolute disaster including, but not limited to: wide open jump shots; multiple alley-oops; open layups; extreme defensive fatigue; extreme defensive confusion; extreme confusion; extreme score disparity; extreme begging for aborting the three-man zone by the very inventor of the concept, Small Game James. The KBA Blog and staff stand behind the "innovative" aspects of the Three-Man Zone, but have no comments regarding the validity, effectiveness, nor the proverbial "etched" seat at the "Innovation Nation," the existence of which cannot be cannot be confirmed nor denied.

The KBA Blog: Genesis

We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast of the KBA season 3 opener for this Throwback Tuesday, circa 2010! In place of exciting KBA action, please enjoy this important moment in KBA history:

4/8/2010

BSR --> NVE 

In the trenches, you may have missed my (unfortunate) weekly bashing of Andy.

This is around Game #3 last night.  All game Andy would HOLD me every time I tried to cut.  He was actually defending my shot for a change, so to counter that I would try to do curls and cuts. But, couldn't because he held me.  I actually made a great move to the basket on him (that would have probably ended with a missed layup), but never got far because he held me.  

That's the set up.

So, one time when we were coming down the court, I stare him down as he's coming to guard me and I say "Hey. Don't fucking hold me."  Poor guy was like a dear caught in headlights--I felt awful.  He said "huh?"  I couldn't stop now... "I said don't fucking hold me.  You're holding me every time I'm going by you."  Wide eyed, he said "ok, got it."

Man, I felt like a jerk.  Although, what am I supposed to do, call fouls when he's holding me?  I had to do something right?

BSR

p.s.  Dude, when did Ronnie become a turnover machine?  The last two weeks, he's averaged like 10 TOs a game (and we only play to SEVEN, so that's like 100 TOs in full game).  He's unstoppable. 

NVE --> BSR

The truth is, the fat lard doesn't KNOW any better.  He just doesn't know how to play basketball.  He think he's playing good defense, when at the minimum, he's maneuvering his arm and massive adipose tissue into a blocking foul EVERY time you get within a foot of him.

I missed that exchange, but I did hear Eric (aka Player-Ref-Chairman of the Rules Committee) say to you: "when me and you are together, we're unstoppable."  Or something to that effect.  Since Eric seems to always pick teams, I guess you better get ready to be on the same squad with Eric a lot.

Did you catch his "moving screen" call on game point?  Like we couldn't have called a moving screen on Mike every 20 seconds.  

Man, I hate having that guy around more than Bellman.  

Ronny is feast or famine.  He can be spectacular sometimes, but he gambles too much on defense reaching in and going for steals.  Tries too many risky passes on offense.   Man, I sound like Charley Rosen right about now (http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/Lakers-do-not-look-ready-for-playoffs)

BSR --> NVE

You're so spot on about Andy.  I think what I was probably more frustrated by was that I could't seem to do anything against THIS guy.

Man, these Tuesday night things are a GOLD MINE for stories!  That Eric quote got lost in the shuffle!  We should do a weekly blog, there is SO MUCH STUFF!

Yeah, Eric said that to me and I thought "how come this guy doesn't put me on his teams more often then?"  HE PICKS THE TEAMS ALL THE TIME.  But, now that you mention the chance of me ending up with him, maybe we should just shoot for first 5, second 5?! Ha!

He stopped the game so that he can call a moving screen?  Really?  I think Eric doesn't realize he's essentially cheating--whereas Bellman knew very well that he was cheating.

Dude, I emailed one of my basketball playing buddies (former D1 player and D2 asst coach) about that Jump Ball call and how it was ours because we had "next".  I thought I was losing my mind.  By the way, did you notice how I said the following sentence OUT LOUD so that everyone can hear Eric's claim and how ridiculous it sounds:  "So, Eric, you're saying there are 2 categories for who's got next:  (1) Jump Balls and (2) Everything else?"  Anyway, my friend emails back:  "You need to stop playing basketball with these guys.  Immediately."

It sounds extreme; but, considering all the above (Andy, Eric, Jump Balls, Bellman), it's not such a radical idea.  If only we could get Nirav, Nigel, and even Adam Howard back.  

Ronny is feast or famine; but, he's always a head-scratcher.  And he whines about fouls all the time.

We both sound like Rosen now.... 2 whining old men.

All that said... can't wait for next Tuesday!

BSR

A Season On The Brink: FC VH Returns Home Down 3-2

And here we are again.  Warning: This is NOT a rerun.  But just how did we get to this all-too-familiar situation, once again?!

With last season's premature ousting surely serving as motivation, FC VH raced out to a 22-4 start before regressing to the mean with a more pedestrian 8-5 record.  Included in that 8-5 stretch, however, was an impressive and dramatic 4-game series comeback against newly returned SGJ.  Despite the layoff, SGJ showed himself to be in mid-season form by leading all players in useless on-court coaching, carrying violations called, and needless orgasmic "ooooooooooo!s" on routine passes that led nowhere.

 

In overcoming an early double digit deficit to pull out the win, FC VH displayed the defensive tenacity and timely shooting that had many predicting BSR and NVE would be hoisting the W. Lance George championship trophy aloft at season's end.  All seemed well last week, as FC VH left John Martin Arena via chartered Gulfstream up 2-0 in their first round playoff series.  NVE and BSR seemed confident enough, even briefly talking about a quick vacation between the playoff series in Lake Havasu with former teammate Cedric Ceballos.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1007911/

What a difference a week makes.  Fast forward to last Tuesday, as FC VH boarded the team bus (courtesy of Norm Reeves Honda - call today and mention "BSR" for 0% financing on all 2013 closeouts!) for a long return trip carrying the weight of three consecutive playoff losses.  Talk of championship parades and dynasties turned to questions of team chemistry and missing strategic adjustments.  

At FC VH team headquarters in Walnut Center, NVE was surprisingly upbeat given the daunting task ahead.  He calmly answered question after question about the team's recent downturn, his own poor playoff shooting percentage and prospects of how long the core of FC VH would remain together.  When finally asked by a local reporter what kind of atmosphere he expects on Tuesday, NVE leaned back grinning and responded: "I've been waiting for y'all to ask that.  Here's what I expect: a W.  Then another W.  That is all.  Let me spell it out for you: NVE GUARANTEES a series win.  Any more questions?"

From the back of the room, a white-bearded elderly gentleman boomed out: "Can you explain why you put Mr Jackson in 3518 on daptomycin instead of ceftaroline?"