KBA 11/16

<hoping your Cambodian internet connection is too weak to play this video in its entirety>:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v75l7Nbj5pQ

"DJ Mbenga can't retort; simply because he's not on the court"

Well, well, well... welcome to yet another installment of the KBA report.

This week's biggest news was the pre-game incident involving Mike (the Asian Bill Laimbeer.. or ABL).  Even before the games began, Mike was officially blacklisted from KBA.  The Commish stated that DOOD and HCV had strictly joined (and paid) on the condition that ABL not be in the league.  Well, evidently, ABL had failed to respond to any emails from the Commish and, as a result, was justly told he cannot play.

After feeling bad for ABL, The Commish decided to let him play this week, but closed with a "you can't come back until next round of permits."

At any rate, folks, you didn't tune in to hear about gossip, like how Tony Parker is divorcing Eva Longoria on word that he cheated on her with fellow teammate Brent Berry's wife; you didn't tune in to hear about how Andrew Bynum nearly got arrested for going 110mph with his new Ferrari; and, you certainly didn't tune in to hear about how the 6 week knee injury to Ratliff might mean the Lakers will sign Eric Dampier.

You tuned in to hear about THE premiere basketball league in SoCal!

So, after about 30 mins of yapping it up, with much thanks to Laimbeer-gate (or Laim-Gate for short), the inevitable happened:  Ricky D and BSR were placed on the same team.

Without giving too many repetitive and boring details, after coasting to a win, Team BSR/Ricky D (or team BS)--which at one point had HCV, The Commish and Vujuacic going against DOOD, EKE, OD, ABL, and Shan--went on to lose 3 straight games.

What happened?  

Ricky D turned into an 8-year old:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bLyjcXQmF0

Although there were a full 18 minutes left, Ricky D walked off the court.  BSR had to literally stand in front of him to play one last game (mainly because if Dicky D left, it would have meant only 9 guys remained).

And so, the final game was a blowout thanks to Ricky D hitting some very bad shots.

This left BSR in with an unfavorable 2-3 record.  And, given his promise to have a winning record these 2 NVE-less weeks, BSR will have his work cut out for him.  How will he keep from getting on Ricky D's team?  How can he avoid getting both Vujacic AND The Commish on his team?  Will BSR leave if he wins the first 2 games next week?

Stay tuned...

And, remember:  it's probably not a good idea to have a teammate named "Love"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGFDF96hwTE

KBA 11/9

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEJVCcJpiiE

Excitement reigned as the KBA moved into a brand new arena!  Situated next door to its antiquated predecessor, the new court possesses state-of-the-art features such as: adequate lighting, non-dusty floors, and a roof that doesn't leak.  The court also boasts an upgraded seating capacity of 83, which should accommodate the typical KBA crowds of 3-5.  New commissioner Fat Andy was non-committal when asked about the possibility of luxury suites; rumors abound that the KBA will be offering personal seat licenses in anticipation of upgrades.  Former KBA commissioners NVE and BSR were on hand for the ribbon-cutting ceremony.  BSR, with tears in his eyes, commented: "This has been a vision ten years in the making...this makes all those $60 dues every four months worth it all.  I think this is a sign that the KBA has hit the big time and is here to stay!"  In unrelated news, the LAUSD announced that the November 30 KBA game is being cancelled due to the 3rd Annual Convention for Left-Handed Star Trek Stamp Collectors.

In honor of the new arena, former KBA stars Dennis (the Other Over-Dribbler...so that makes him Dennis, the OOD...or just DOOD) and Howie (asian Charlie Villanueva...or HCV) made a surprise appearance after a two year hiatus.  While their surprise appearance had none of the buzz associated with famous returns of superstars (http://rushthecourt.net/mag/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/MJ-im-back.jpg) and other KBA stars (an old HoopsHype post which will need be revisited/reposted sometime soon), the infusion of new (old?) blood certainly raised the excitement level and increased the caliber of KBA games from horrific to somewhat mediocre.  The powerhouse squad of DOOD, HCV, BSR, Ricky D, and Matt rolled to two early victories on the strength of a combined 341 to 6 rebounding edge.  The formidable squad looked poised to sweep the night....yet their fortunes inexplicably turned against the upstart squad of EKE, NVE, Taliban, OD, and Anonymous Asian Guy.  The tightly-fought game swung back and forth and, fueled by the now-weekly circus spinning circus shots by the OD, was knotted at 6 all with the clock running down.  Which improbably, culminated with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaTrpTeByAs

Shortly thereafter, NVE gleefully proceeded to announce a two week hiatus to Canc...errr, Cambodia (http://articles.latimes.com/1998/jun/30/sports/sp-65031)

To my reader(s): here is a KBA quiz.  

What was the most surprising KBA number of the week?

13: number of KBA players who showed up

3: number of weeks that have passed since Ricky D received a technical foul

5200: number of calories immediately consumed by Fat Andy prior to stepping on the court

364: number of consecutive weeks NVE has worn the same shirt (okay, really 182 since two identical shirts are alternated)

Answer?

It's a four-way tie.  How do I know?  BECAUSE I AM SMARTER THAN YOU.

KBA 10/19 and 10/26

<Play this Video for background muic: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrKPUvWLlkM&p=BD45415EB040B22E&playnext=1&index=37>

Welcome ladies and gentlemen. My name is Alan Massengale (kinda like the douche) with your KBA 10/19 AND 10/26 updates.

While the crowds were all abuzz about the upcoming 48th annual IDSA meeting in Vancouver, BC--the hot dog capital of the world--the KBA crew were back in action at luxurious John Marshall Arena.

Tuesday, the 19th, held a few special moments, including an incredible Spin Move from OD and a once-in-a-blue-moon long bomb of a shot by NVE himself.

Although filled with these little nuggets of basketball joy, the overwhelming story of the night was the complete domination by team GNR-SP (GNR-Strep pneumo).  Despite their 4-man team of yahoos, OD, Shahe, BSR, and NVE marched to a dominating 5-1 record for the night, extending their record to an incredible 10-2 in a 2-week run.  It was reminiscent of how  the Raiders decimated Denver and Seattle with 92 total points and 1000+ total yards over a 2 week span.

NVE and BSR took their impressive mark to Vancouver, where NVE reportedly amassed 18 hours of sleep over 4 nights.

Their glorious return to KBA was marred with mistakes.  While team GNR-SP was aiming for perfection of the fabled "alley-oop" play, the general effort of the night looked more like this.

The return of KG halted GNR-SP's magical run.  Amusing was Ricky Davis' complete involvement in the game, driven by the fact that he was perpetually on the best team (with KG).  Not once was RD heard pleading his case for his "fairness" rule: switching teams every time his team loses.  (It should be noted here that RD once pleaded to change teams repeatedly after his teams lost by an average of exactly 1.0 points per game, claiming that games would be "closer".  (Memo to parents: do not hire Ricky D to tutor your children in calculus, algebra, or... number counting).

Little else was memorable in a 2-week span that saw championship basketball, Jap-A-Dog hotdogs, Salmonella-carrying frogs, question-asking older gay men, and the return of KG to KBA.

That'll do it for this edition of the KBA report.  A good night to all; and, as always kids... remember, don't be Sasha.

KBA 10/5

Welcome to this week's edition of...Inside the KBA!

Wait, now go back and read that first sentence again with this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-WA4xEal2s) playing in the background.

Isn't that only a million times better?  

NVE here, blogging about all things KBA.  First, let's recap the highlights from the week before, when the KBA blogosphere was set ablaze by the epic performance of the four man crew of BSR, NVE, The Afghan, and The Overdribbler.  The motley crew overwhelmed Ricky D and ricky dees en route to an unprecendented five game sweep, culminating in a Ricky D auto-ejection.  In post-game interviews, Ricky D simply stated "My stat line might say 15 turnovers, but that just shows how hard Ricky D was playing.  My supporting cast simply didn't have it tonight.  Ricky D needs the ball EVERYTIME and he can't do his thing if the ricky dees keep getting in the way and expecting Ricky D to play when the other team has the ball."  

Of course, the epic highlight from Game 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRf_8Z7pxtE

So the ensuing KBA hangover was only inevitable.  Egyptian Khalid El-Amin (Rony...heretofore known as EKE), EKE's Rudy-like friend (he's five foot nothing!), The Afghan, and The Commissioner took the court against NVE, The Ex-Commissioner, The Overdribbler, and Matt.  Seconds before tipoff, Shan and Ricky D walked in the door.  NVE immediately called for Shan, but The Commissioner wielded his iron flabby fist and drafted Shan.  Eeriely remiscent of:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mN3OGRGybA

And you can guess what happened over the next excruciating two hours: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEpTTolebqo.  0-4 with a win in a meaningless game 5.  Seriously.  Although I must admit, Ricky D did not play his normal game and there were noticably fewer 1-on-3 bull-rush forays to the hoop and minimal teammate bitching.  However, there was still non-existent defense and the passive-aggressive quitting (the disinterested body language, failure to cross halfcourt on offense OR defense).  He just doesn't do ANYTHING if he's not prepping to take the shot.  No picks, no setting up other people, no man defense, no help defense, no offense rebounding.  Shahe Vujacic substituted in to no avail, but did provide comic relief.

Allow me to put on my NVE Rosen hat: far be it from me to call myself a good, or even mediocre baller.  But goddamn, there really are very few people in KBA who really know HOW to play basketball.  I'm not sure how it happened, but thank God we end up on the same team 95% of the time because I really think I would go Latrell Sprewell - PJ Carlesimo otherwise.  Seriously, basketball is a very simple game but if you watched us out there, you'd think we all had lobotomies.  Uncontested layup vs fadeaway 10 footer?  TWO people cutting from the weakside towards the ball towards the same spot?  Coming down to double somebody in the post when there is NOBODY in the whole KBA who really even needs to be double-teamed (except maybe Amol).  

Alright, I'm off my soapbox.  

Lastly, I plan on using this groundbreaking info the next time I'm called to discuss tuesday conference:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQuODiMlUsc

KBA 10/12

In case you haven't seen this absolute GEM (get ready to soil yourself at 1:16) : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk

Welcome back, KBA fans.  Let's recap the games last night, where the action was fast, furious, and most importantly, BAD.  Seriously.  Like Adam Howard-level bad all night long.  The games started with 4 on 4, made it to 5 on 5 for a game, then reverted back to 4s following a night-ending injury for Taliban (aka The Aghan, aka Wahid).  We actually went to half-court after awhile because we were THAT bad and having that much trouble scoring.  It really makes one long for the days of yore, when Farhad would shoot on 10 consecutive trips for his "team", and Bellman would shoot on 10 consecutive trips for his team.      

Team Pile of Dung: NVE, Shan, the Overdribbler, Taliban, and the guy Ricky D inexplicably calls MVP despite the obvious fact that his game can be summed up by two other letters: P and U.  

Team Craptastic: Ricky D, the Commissioner, Matt, EKE (Egyptian Khalid El-Amin), and Shahe Vujacic.  

These were the highlights of the night:

3) Wahid straining an intercostal muscle, followed by the Commissioner showing great concern over the injury and applying an impromptu sideline massage to the affected area.  What followed was more creepy/awkward than this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXYHYbDxr9g

Okay, so that clip is actually pretty freaking AWESOME.  At the end, don't you find yourself half expecting them to kiss and/or remove the guitar revealing that they are actually conjoined?

2) NVE getting CRUSHED to the floor on a pick by Matt that was not called out by MVP, then 30 seconds later getting beaned in the face by a pass that the Overdribbler felt necessary to throw full force from about 3 feet away (no exaggeration).  NVE briefly considered: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7Er_-XZW4E, but managed to hold back.

1) When the clock hit 9:00 and we could all go home.

All in all, complete crap all night long.  Good thing we are still in the KBA preseason.

Lastly, I'd like to pour one out for BSR, the only KBA player who: 1) can reliably hit a shot outside the lane, and 2) understands the concept that not having the ball on offense doesn't mean you MUST immediately run toward the ball.  The game just ain't the same without your bombs; get well soon buddy, and here's a little tribute I put together: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX1YzS_CYIw